April 29, 2012 - Week Two

April 29, 2012 It was an interesting week, mainly because I struggled so much physically early in the week during my classes. Every single class, by the second posture (out of 26) the combination nausea and lightheadedness would take over so that every second, and I mean literally every second I would struggle with every ounce of my being not to sit out a posture. Time elongated so a 90 minute class was like three hours. It kind if seems unfair that when you feel the worse time slows and when you feel the best it speeds up, it would be much nicer if it was the other way around. Bikram teaches the afternoon class and if I haven't described the room, let me give you a sense. The room has about 10 lines parallel to the front mirror where you put your mat. It probably holds 40-50 people with about 2 feet in between each. Then at the front is this platform of about 15ft. by 15ft' from which the instructor teaches. The platform is about 10th off the ground. When Bikram teaches, there is this big chair he sometimes sits on, but often he is up and about animated on the stage. He can see everyone, but pretty much if you are within the first 3 rows and within about 10-12 bodies on either side of the middle you are in prime site for him to go after you during class for doing the posture wrong. By wrong it does not mean that you are just not good at it because you are inflexible, old injuries, body destiny, but because you are not precise in your posture. As he says 99% right is 100% wrong. No compromise on the exactness at whatever stage you are at. To further explain the system, you are assigned into a group and everyday you get a line assignment so you move up and back throughout the 9 weeks, no hanging out in the back away from the instructor but mainly Bikram. When the doors open people tend to set up furthest from the podium if they are struggling and have a weak practice to avoid the potential ire. This weak I was in row 4 moving up to 2. I managed to get a spot just outside the main line of sights while I was having these terrible battles with my head and stomach. What makes it hard is that you spend the whole time trying to manage how much energy to spend on each posture and which changes of where your head drops might cause you to faint that you can't focus on all those things that allow you to balance and do the postures. As I sit here today, I would make myself smile sometimes at the height of my distress, because I was aware that this was making me more compassionate and more aware of what my students sometimes feel. You would not believe all the time you have for chatter in your head when you can't focus. Usually I just focus only the words of the dialogue or some particular thing within a posture I am working on say like pulling up on my quad to lock my knee better, or trying to get my 2 shoulders in one line and not tilting my head etc.etc. but as bad as I was feeling all I got was my brain just chatting away with itself throughout. "this sucks" "better not kick out" "ughhh think I'm going to puke" "you can do it stay up" "smile, this is what you came for" "I can last today but what if I can' figure out what is causing this...don't think I can take 9 weeks of this" "what a beautiful bow" "the poor people beside me, sorry, I'll try not to fall out so much and move in between the postures, but if I don't I'll go down" etc etc. Monday to Wednesday, 2x a day I would just dread going to class and then barely drag myself back from class. I get trying different things to drink etc, but when you are sick to your aroma hit is hard. I did notice that I felt immediately revived after my Bikram Balance electrolyte drink after class. I thought it might be a blood sugar thing, why I was so weak and had tried some OJ, but that had made me very sick to my stomach during class. Well without going on any longer I tried drinking the Bikram Balance before class as well as after and it seems to have solved the trick. I still mess up sometimes, like I was hungry one morning and ate too may rice cakes with a banana too close to class. Overall by Thursday I seemed to have gotten my electrolytes right and what a difference it was to have a normal class. The heat has not bothered me at all at least with the temp they have chosen to put it at least for now. Now let me give you a little sense of what the week was like outside of the class disaster. Everyone seems to be adjusting well and people are starting to form little groups of people they are most comfortable hanging out with. Just like in class, most of us like one side of the room vs. the other and so you tend to get to know people that likgo to about the same area even if their lines move day to day. You find people that are very diligent about studying the dialogue and others well not so much. I feel really good about knowing most of the dialogue to some degree and then it really helps me lock it in by working with someone just learning it. Bikram was around this week and then he goes away next week so we had the final endless sessions of sitting through NIM listening to each person deliver the dialogue for the first posture. It took about 3 hours for 50 people so that means we did about 30 hours of this. Well it is 6:00 am now on Sunday, and I'm not too thrilled with my writings to you all this morning so I'm going to go out for my run and hope the thoughts flow a little better when I return. Just back from my run and feel like a million bucks, so much better than when I left. It is why I continue to run every day even given the high physical demands from the class, lack of sleep, different diet. When I run it is so calming and I just love to breathe the air in and out in and out. I often listen to an audiobook, sometimes,for those of you that read a lot you know how nice it is to lose yourself in a book, totally out of your head for a while,same thing, other times I'll have the audiobook playing but my brain is just floating on it's own thoughts so when I get back I will have to replay the chapter. The. neighborhoods in LA remind me so much of my home growing up in Miami, it was somewhat nostalgic this morning, I could almost put myself back in time to when I ran at home, well enough of that I'm sure you care more about what it is like here. This is the daily schedule: 8:00 am sign up and 8:30 class - usually get back to the room about 10:30 10:30 am - Noon - break where you eat breakfast/lunch 12:00 sign up, 12:30pm - 4:00pm lecture or posture clinic 4:30 sign up 5:00pm- 7:00pm class 7:00pm-9:00pm rest/dinner 9:00 sign up 9:30 pm to whenever lecture and when Bikrams here, movies So this week we had 2 movies, I'm becoming a fan of the Bollywood productions. They are at least 3 hours long, but if I can find a spot in the room where I can see the subtitles but also doze off occasionally Without the staff busting you then it works ok. The chairs are really stiff but in the outside you can sometimes turn a chair and make it a foot rest. This week we had 2 movies, enjoyed both. One took us to 2:00pm the other until 3:15pm and then it takes a little time to settle in to bed. Makes it rough getting up at 5:30am. Thankfully I have a room by myself so I can get up, talk to Dan, and go out for my run, all before class. Bikram spoke at most evening lectures at least for a little bit before we did the endless half moon pose by everyone. We had another guy speak a couple of afternoons who was in the original teacher training class and owns 4 or 5 studios in San Francisco. He was excellent in doing the More thought to thought progression translation of Bikram speak which tends to jump around all over the place. Also some good stories and some interesting information on heating systems, bacteria, rugs etc etc. Bikram seemed to be in an exceedingly good mood all week. I just love listening to him. For those of you going to see him in Boston, try and sit up close enough to see his eyes. His eyes reflect the youth and enthusiasm in each minute that you see in a young boy that is looking a big tractor, or massive dirt moving machine. They sparkle and dance with each word. When I was thinking about it this week, what amazes me the most is that he still teaches and speaks about this yoga almost every day sometimes multiple times and every single time he does it totally present in the moment. No going through the motions even though it is probably the kazillionth time he has done it. You can tell that communicating with whatever his audience is at the time or whatever the class is the most important thing to him. I hope I'll always carry this as a teacher even if I teach 3 classes in a day or many days in a week. Also I will try to remember it for other times when My mind is somewhere else when I am talking. He can say some outrageous things, but I find them pretty funny for the most part and he will tell you the truth, even though it may hurt. You know when someone gets a new haircut and it looks really bad, but when they ask you, you find a way not to hurt their feelings, well Bikram will not only tell you it looks bad, he will find some way to say it that will leave you no doubt and would definitely sting. One of the big movies we watched dealt with discrimination. Bikram is very big on no discrimination. He says he makes people hurt does not matter, old, young, rich, poor, religion, race, color, weight. He kills us all. And that is so true. A couple of other things before I go, every day during class I learn little nuggets of new information on how to make my postures more precise. It is hard to remember them and I'm sure everyone hears their own little nuggets, totally different than mine.I am trying to figure out how to organize my notes so they will be references in the future and not just this mass mess of scribbled words. I leave with this Yoga is very simple but so very difficult to perfect. It has 3 elements: Yoga is holding in stillness, breathing, normal and savasana. When one becomes successful in asana then pranayama is perfected. With pranayama the veil that hides becomes lifted and the mind becomes fit for meditation. Posture-stillness, breath, meditation. These are the keys to the yoga. Until next week. PS thanks for all your comments and support on facebook. I can't express how much they helped. It is immeasurable. 1

April 22, 2012

April 22, 2012 Week One THE SHORT VERSION: I am writing a short version for those of you somewhat interested in my training but not exactly into yoga or just don't want to read my lengthy account of my week from a more stream of thoughts no editing style. IEven the short version will be probably a little lengthy cause it lays out what life in the bubble is like. I suspect week to week it will be shorter. Strangely enough I have found the very most challenging part so far to be the actual physical yoga. For someone that has done a pretty full range of physically challenging stuff, like marathons, ironman, riding across Canada on my bike, backpacking for weeks on end in the mountains, it's funny that this is what I struggle with. We start the day awith a class at 8:00. I've been getting up around 5:00 to talk to Dan while he was at a different time zone and then go for a 40 minute run at 6:00. While I'm very used to and love the 90 minute intense yoga at 105 degrees, doing intense yoga for over 120 minutes in 120 degrees is a totally different experience. Doing this 2x a day while trying to figure out what and when to eat and hydrate (cause believe me you kind of don't feel like eating or even drinking much) as nothing tasted the same or settles in your stomach like usual. Just being water and dizzy during class is fine, but it is not fun to be nauseous. Even piled up once in my towel cause you know once you have to puke you can't very well get up and then maybe do it all over people. But it is fine. After morning class we get about an hour break to eat, shower and then we go to lecture for 3-4 hours. Well the first week "lecture" is listening to each one of us deliver as if we were teaching the first posture to Bikram himself. It takes about that long to go through. 50 people so it gets pretty boring after about the 3rd day. It is very good though, Bikram instructs us by how each delivers and the subtleties are very apparent. What makes it even more interesting is when his opinion of a studen'ts delivery is different than my first thoughts. Trying to figure out why. Anyway after the afternoon lecture we go back to another brutal class from 5:00-7:00 and then get a little over an hour for dinner before we go back for more lecture. Those can last anywhere from midnight (the more usual) to 2-4 in the morning. While they started us off with several of the really tough long and extra hot classes, toward the end of the week they eased off a little and we had a couple of the normal 90 minute 105 degree. Even most of those have been tough for me but I think it is cause I have not quite figured out my eating and drinking but this weekend I have made some adjustments in stuff am optimistic that the nausea will go away. As a no meat or fishers vegetarian (but one for only about a year) and a no red meat for much longer, I decided and have craved more protein so this weekend I stocked my refrigerator with meat and fish. Last thing, on the short version, speaking of food...we have a little refrigerator but since we are living out of a hotel room and no time, there is no cooked food during the week. I found myself craving anything with liquid like lettuce and fruit and anything protein. I don't eat bread but normally my diet is carb filled with rice, rice cakes and oatmeal. Uggh, did not want to even put them near my mouth. So that has been kind of fun figuring it all out. Oh one last thing, 400 people from all over the world, all ages, professions, life's stories. That has been the most fun, getting to know so many. THE LONG VERSION Wow, first of all, for everyone offering so many words of encouragement and thoughts towards Mark and I...thank you. I'm sure 'I'll be tapping into it as time goes on. I've learned so much about myself and about others and teaching to others in just one week I can't wait to see what else is in store. First of all, you know this yoga like most things physical has never been mentally hard for me, oh sure it has it's challenges to work hard and get better, just like racing always did and I don't mean to minimize that because it has it's hard moments you know when you feel like your guts are coming out and you can't hardly breathe in the last half mile of a race or climbing the last bit up a long steep mountain on your bike, but the everyday training was a joy, a gift, something I loved to do in running, cycling, and yoga. The little tough challenges any given day, well OK, it was always from a place of strength. So when I went to class this week, I got it...I totally related with everyone I see at the yoga room that have to take break, that talk about being nauseous, that sit against the wall in the locker room for 15 minutes, trying to get enough energy to go home. You are the real warriors. you know, I always knew that in my brain and with my intellect, but now to actually experience it makes it reality something I know, not just a thought construct. So already I feel I will be a better teacher because of it. I am sitting here thinking, how many things would be better to experience than just to kind of know it in your brain...kind of like prejudice...of course I know people of various groups experience this all the time and I know it in my head, but I also know I don't really know it from the reality of the experience, I wish I could. Anyway I digress. So being on the edge just about every class is totally different. Usually in class, the time flies by, I just zone out and work as hard as I can and flash, the class is over. Here, I'm in my head at least through all the standing postures, "how hard should I push early...oh starting to get light headed...should I take a half posture off etc etc" Other than one day when I was down from triangle through savasana I've managed to hang in, but not easily. I tried drinking during class and it does not work for me. I bring in my bottle and wet my lips at various times, but the water gets so hot that it just does not sit well. oh, to give you some idea as to how hot it is, I had to change the glasses I wear, cause the metal ones, would burn my arms when I touched them. Well enough about my physical challenges. Let me give you a sense of Bikram, well I can't really. First of all he is the most entertaining person to listen to, and you have to stay quite alert because amongst all his BS and outrageous diatribe is an incredible amount of wisdom. I'm telling you, I occasionally might stop and hear a comedian on comedy central like say Chris Rock, Eddy Murphy in the day, Tracie Morgan etc etc and Bikram could go Mano a Mano in style and outrageousness. I don't think I'll ever know how much of what he says and does is totally planned with a purpose or how much is innate or how much is just is madness, but let me offer a little something that really kind of freaked me out. People say that Bikram is a master at reading people and part of our trip up to do dialogue in front odd him is so he can know you and give you what you need, sometimes he would be ohhh so kind to the people struggling the most and sometimes a little mean to people that did really really well. So after the first day a little Japanese girl came up to talk to me cause Bikram had talked to me the most of all the 50 people that delivered our dialogue that day, about how perfect it was, and how I spoke it like a teacher communicating and we talked about Cape Cdod, that I ran a lot, that I was married with grandkids etc. the first day I thought oh oh I've been noticed but luckily after now going through 250 more people, not worried at all that I would be singled out ever. phrases. Relief. Anyway, she came up to me because she had just found out 2 days before she came that she was pregnant and asked me what she should do. Well I told her that people practice Bikram pregnant but this is pretty stressful and she should tell the nurse immediately and she would know. Anyway, she is going home, talked to Bikram and is very relieved. So I wanted to make sure I said goodbye and went to see her. I asked her if she had gotten a chance to do dialogue in front of Bikram and she reminded me which one she was and said do you remember Bikram told me I did like dialogue like a woman 9months pregnant. Now how freaky is that? This was way before she had told anyone. So it got me to thinking. Bikram spoke to me that first day for a reason. I will write my thoughts on that in my own personal journal cause I don't know if I am right...but all I can say is that as I sit here, I will try my hardest to fulfill the challenge he has presented for me. Now strangely enough the part I was mist worried about, being a social recluse and not making many friends has been exactly the opposite, how strange is that, the physical the most challenging and the social the easiest. I have met the most fabulous people and have developed bonds with so many. All ranges, There is this beautiful couple from Cambridge England. He is just finishing his phd in biotechnology-schizoprenia and she runs the MBA Program at Cambridge. He used to be a professional cyclist from Greece. To many Spanish, Japanese, students, young, old. Some trying to find meaning in their life's, others with good careers. And you can't tell from just meeting them. I'd say it is about 50/50 foreign to American, although many of the foreign now live in the US. It is also about 40-60 men women. Not sure exactly but certainly does not stand out as being all women like our classes. Just the diverse group of personalities is amazing. I've worked hard at trying to make connections with people that for whatever reason turn me off initially instead of just avoiding them and so far it has really worked and I end up liking them. Luckily, several of the people I had a connection with however slight before I came have already become so very very special to me that I am sure they will be my rocks when I falter. Connections which are inexplicable and clearly mutual. It is my greatest hope that these only get stronger during the 9 weeks and I don't do something to mess with them. Today is Sunday, the whole day with nothing to do, kind of feel like I already rested enough having all yesterday afternoon off. Will give me time to start figuring out my routine and working on dialogue dialogue. oh by the way, forgot to tell you about my first Bollywood movie. It was a ton better than I expected. There is something to be said for low expectations. Other than the fact it went 4 hours with such outrageous plot turns to keep it going just when you thought it was over, it was kind if fun and the actor and actress were both very beautiful and the dancing was quite fun. oh and I forgot to tell you the night about 12:30 after Bikram had been talking for about 3 hours he was going to let us go and then he had them play some Indian Disco song and danced for 5 minutes on the stage, like Bollywood disco dancing. What amazing energy for 65 years old, for any age really. He was quite good and incredibly charming when he wants to turn it on. Other times when he berates his staff you don't like him so much. But he also loves his staff and you can tell they love him so I guess they are used to it. The we listened to Perry Como and some song he recorded. He knows all the celebrities back from my era. I'm sure many of the people don't recognize the names but I recognize them all so it is quite fun. My back hurts from sitting here writing so long. For this of you that made it to the end, boy you have some stamina. It is fun chronicling my thoughts regardless if anyone reads it or not

April 16, 2012 First Class

April 16, 2012 This is the last evening off so I figured I'd go ahead and write since I just finished my first class. This morning we listened to Bikram talk for about an hour. He's quite dynamic and drips charisma. Have me tsome great people and have run into several of the same. I've been hanging out a bit with Shannon Mullin who now lives in California but used to practice in East Dennis. Tomorrow we get put in our groups for posture clinics so you spend most of your time with those people but Shannon and I have studied together really well and seem to connect so I hope we will have time to still study together. So enough about all that, let me tell you about the first class. Well, think of your first class and then multiply how kind of out of it and overwhelmed you felt and that pretty much sums it up. The class was over 2 hours. I did not go down at all (but an going to try and put that ego to rest) cause I saw spots multiple times and had to drop my arms and chin down several times at triangle and standing separate leg to recover. Floor poses were much better, and while it was that kind of plastic over the mouth and nose oppressive feeling on the floor, it was fine. They tell you to take it easy so I did try to back off to about 80% on the floor, and despite that, my legs were toast by toe stand. I was even better backing off on the floor poses but as I sit here my back is already sore, day one. So I've already backed my running attempt down to 30 minutes in the morning. I'll see how that goes. I love to run. It is apparent to me that my big challenge will be staying healthy cAuse drinking stuff is not quite what I like to do. I pretty much drink diet soda all day, Nd while I brought electrolyte tablets and some of the electrolyte tablets, I am not quite sure of what formula will work for me. I'd say about 50% of the class was down near the end of the standing. The girl next to me went down in the 3rd pose and finally came up at about the 24th, but many of the people must have jet lag as they have come from half way across the world. It is ver humbling needless to say. You all know how little I usually sweat, well I was sweating about 2 poses in. Then of course I made the mistake of piling out with everyone, 421 students lined up and not moving, that is when I was the most light headed and almost went down. I know better now, wait until the room clears. So just laying low having some dinner and resting before the full 20 hour day starts tomorrow. I'm sure all my fellow trainees are like thinking holy shit day one felt like this, how am I going to make it. And of course week 1 is easy. Well let me remember to check the ego. Plus Bikram only pays attention to thefirsr two or threes. rows and pretty close to him. We have to rotate up though, so I'll have to hug the sides. I was trying to remember some of the things he said. Some are unrepeatable in a blog forum. He is quite a chauvinist. Saying how many women can't get a tight grip, if they don' t learn to get a tight grip, man will divorce them, he wants wife that is a good cook what holds on tight. the only way to keep a man. So we women have to work on our grip. Well enough. early night tonight.

April 11, 2012

April 11, 2012   Last Thoughts


It's all happening so fast now, what seemed to be a glacial movement of time for so long now seems to be moving so quickly that i am trying to catch up with it. 


I am overwhelmed by all the support and well wishes i have received from all my friends at the studio. I can't believe how many people showed up at the send off party at the fabulous Camp Wingate-Kirkland and how many more expressed how they had conflicts but wished they could be there. Mark and I will have so much more power and energy to get us through the tough times than i'm sure many of the other trainees because of everyone. these last couple of days, it has been tough saying goodbye, i'm sure i'll be a total wreck on Friday but knowing how much you all will be there in spirit means a alot. i'm sure I'll be calling on you when Bikram is telling some story in the middle of standing separate leg forehead to knee...yeah...throat choked breathing normal for anything more than 20 seconds will probably mean passing out. But now as i sit here I'm thinking, OK so I breathe through my nose, so should it matter that my throat is choked, cause just choking your throat shouldn't affect your breathing all that much. See even writing my blog, i'm still trying to figure it all out. i'll have to test my hypothesis and figure this out. 


I'm as ready as I think i can be. I say that because i only know i'm going to be pushed way beyond my comfort zone, and for all of you that know me as a person that loves patterns, repetition, and a day that unfolds pretty much as expected there is no doubt i'm going to have to adjust to nothing being the same, day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute. But i've already surrendered to that in my head, it won't be easy at first but i'm sure with a little practice the first couple of weeks it will be easier.


You know i don't have any real goals for my practice. i'd love to avoid injury or body breakdown, but not sure that will even be possible. Even in my practice today, most days i totally zone out and just listen to the teacher and respond to every command to my maximum ability. Maybe its my family background where we marched to every order from my very strict father, or maybe it is my athletic background where I responded to the authoritative commands of my coaches; and a just a general fear/respect for authority figures...or maybe it is just an innate need to please authority figures. I always think of myself as a border collie...a working dog that seeks to please its master by working hard and responding to commands. I'm not the Labrador or similar breed that gets love from their master cause they are always so cute and charming. Nor am I those breeds (often little) that kind of do whatever pleases them and demand that their owners cater to them. But what i'm trying to say is that i can't turn that off, so if a teacher is holding me in postures barking out commands, I don't have any defensive mechanisms to say I don't want to go there, at least not usually, who knows when i go to teacher training. In someways i hope i don't cause that means i'm still able to zone out and so the time goes by very very fast. Those few times when i have a real bad class and i can't get out of my head ohhh the time is like 3 hours not 90 minutes.


Last thing, one thing i want to experience is some type of emotion in camel pose. How many times have i heard how people laugh, cry uncontrollably etc., call up all sorts of stuff. It's never happened to me. Maybe I'll get pushed to that place. kind of like seeing the spots, or fainting, its a cool thing to experience in its twisted sort of way.


Next post will be my first one from Bikram's torture chamber. 

April 4, 2012

April 4, 2012 
The Journey - Never getting to "The Destination" - Progress - Perfection


I should be working because I have so much to do before i leave, but as is typical of me, I hate to focus for long on any one thing if left to my own devices. That's one of the things I love about Bikram Yoga, I have to focus for 90 minutes cause I have no choice and I love it when my brain does not jump around. (Yes I am the master of the remote at my house and I usually have 3 or 4 programs i am watching at one time. It is almost like a strobe light I change so fast). So here i am writing in my blog, because going to TT consumes my thoughts. I'm either running over my dialogue, thinking of what i need to bring, thinking of what I want to be sure I get out of TT, or worrying about keeping my body healthy.


During my CD class yesterday, I had the yoga practitioners think about and honor how far their postures have come since starting the yoga. Sometimes I find, I am always thinking about how to get better; what adjustment can I make to wrap that foot around, or balance in toe stand, get my forehead on my knee, get my legs up a millimeter more on locust etc. and it is good to occasionally, (not too often) take a moment and reflect on how my postures have evolved over time. 


The trouble is, I have a terrible memory. I often comment that if it was not for photographs I don't think I'd be able to recall what I looked like or what my sisters looked like growing up. It must be something in our evolutionary make up that allows newer images to replace the older ones so we don't freak out in facing how much we age every 5 years. We had a retirement at my work the other day and they brought out old photographs. Funny how i don't feel any different than 20 years ago...I digress.


Well, while I don't have images of my postures, there are certainly certain markers of what i was able to do my first week of Bikram and what I can do now. So yesterday I honored that. 


Kind of like life, somehow we get roped into thinking when we are little that there is some sort of "perfection" out there. It has taken me a lot of years to realize that life is all about the journey, moving forward, experiencing new places, getting back on a smooth road after taking a wrong turn on a bumpy road...just making progress. 


That is my approach to the postures. I have no destination for my postures, it is a means to take my journey. Getting better in my postures is just getting better at life. You work hard, push yourself, sometimes push yourself too much, get frustrated, struggle, have bad days, have good days, but keep moving forward. Never perfect. 


I'm sure when I go to TT, there will be plenty of students that are looking foremost to improving their practice, but for me, any improvements will be a byproduct, my focus is to learn how to best communicate with students, to communicate through the postures, through knowing and improving their postures, let them experience the improvement in self and life. 


I remember Meg talking way back about teaching and while she is the only one talking there is a strong 2 way dialogue between student and teacher. How each one gives cues about their personalities by how they respond to anything and everything during the 90 minutes. I'm sure it takes a long time to be fluent in that language and as I know by all the great teachers I have, sometimes I think they are speaking just to me, pushing, nurturing, demanding, taking me out of my comfort zone, making me laugh etc. 


That's the type of teacher i want to be. One that speaks to you in our own secret Bikram language.