June 16, 2012 Final Thoughts

June 16, 2012 Final Thoughts I'm in the middle of packing and waiting for laundry to finish. We have our graduation ceremony at 3:00pm but things are pretty much winding down around here. I thought I'd take a few monuments to reflect on the journey...well the journey so far because if there is one thing that these nine weeks have taught me is that, this is just the start of a long journey well for the rest of my life and one who loves and believes in the power of Yoga and for me Bikram yoga in particular. I have learned that these nine weeks is just a taste of what I will discover about the yoga, about myself, about life. It did not present answers only the awareness that it is all about your own discovery and your own self realization. There is no perfect path, there is no set time frame it is as individual as snowflakes. We are each on our own journey. But what really makes this Bi,ram teacher training so very very special is that while we are each on our own individual journey, we are now part of a very special community of Bikram yoga teachers that share in this experience and in the bond that ties us with the love of the yoga and the compulsion to help others as the yoga has helped us. It is so marvelously beautiful and powerful Nd really indescribable. Sure we all got a plenty short with our patience and our disappointment in not getting the "answers" but I think in the end we realize that the answers are within us as individuals and as our community. The final class was amazing and I got to share it with many special people from my group around me. I am anxious to be home and start the next phase of my life, literally. Maybe I am feeling a little sentimental as I took a class this morning and have not eaten yet and feel pretty wasted...the good kind of wasted plus I'm packing and well just letting my mind wander and think. But I do think this has changed me a little. I am who I am and love who I am in my elemental makeup...work on being a better human every day and still work on not being so hard on myself. But what I did learn and hope to bring a little bit more into my life is to take more leaps without planning out every outcome and being sure that every potential thing that might happen is planned for. Be willing to do things with the chance that sometimes shit happens but that's OK too and part of life's experiences, sometimes the best part. To travel more and not just talk about it. To do more of the little things that give me pleasure with the same commitment and discipline that I put into the things that require that discipline...my yoga, running, my work. To retire sooner and not worry about having enough to retire...just do it and know it will be OK cause life is short and there is so much more to discover about myself and about the world. I have loved living with 400 people that come from everywhere and see the world through their unique prisms. some of the people I have come to know live much more in the moment and I love that...I know I will never be that type of person completely but I am going to try to shift from being 100% nit living in the moment to more like 75%-25%. CARPE DIEM...CAPE VITAM

June 10, 2012 - Nearing the end of a journey stepping on the precipice of another

June 10, 2012 Well it's Sunday already after a somewhat uneventful week. The weekend was great though. This morning after another somewhat sleepless night. I swear between forced late nights and just general insomnia or lack of need for sleep I only get about four hours a night. I get up every morning at 5:00am, and while most of you know I usually get up at 2:00am at home, here I don't go to bed at 7:30 either. Anyway, I thought I was going to the beach early so I checked on Facebook for any postings about people attending local studio early morning classes. Tom was going to Manhattan Beach which I hadn't attended yet so I met him in the lobby at 5:30am with no other takers. Loved the studio and had a really fabulous class. It was mat to mT as some of the volunteers and competitors from the Yoga International Asana Championships were attending. I forgot how much I enjoy the intimacy of a small studio and just had a great class. When I was leaving our teacher Tiffany said she remembered me from when she attended posture clinic and that she thought I was so fabulous and would make a great teacher. Made me feel great, but generally she was such a positive and upbeat person that well just affirms how much I believe in telling people nice things whenever you can (but never ever lie) cause it makes them feel happy. Anyway got a ride home and quickly went out for a run, don't usually like to go running right after yoga cause I am so wasted and yes I was for about 30 minutes but then I kind of settled into the rhythm and enjoyed the rest of my run. Came back and di some chores and watched the French Open. Well I kind of got totally blown off for the trip to the beach, and oh I love the California beaches and the sun. It is so relaxing. But in the end it worked out well cause if I had gone to the beach I never would have seen the Finals of the Men's and Women's International Yoga Championships. It is really inexplicable. I know some people think yoga has no business being competitive, but if you saw it you would see that it is not an environment of Western competition. It is each yogi doing their best with all the love and support of all who compete cause each knows the dedication and love of the yoga that each one has. Well if you feel what it is like amongst all who attend and compete you would understand. But maybe you have to do yoga and understand yoga to understand. Anyway then I saw demonstrations from the reigning junior, women's and men's champions. Well I was moved to tears particularly by the women's champion from Japan Yukari Miwa. just so beautiful with her smile and calmness yet so much strength and flexibility and concentration. They are announcing the winners in a few minutes for this year. Anyway, it was well worth missing the beach. So during the break between the men's and women's finals I went up to TJMaxx to do the thing I hate most...shopping. See I had brought a nice top to wear to graduation and then of course I found out it had green so I can't wear it cause there is absolutely no green around Bikram. Ughhh do I dread shopping. So first I stopped at Kohls and well tried on a few things, even a dress, but why should I get a dress now, it's just not me. So then I went the fun TJMaxx, I felt exactly like those people on that show, I think it is called "what to wear" where they take people that dress like me and throw out their clothes and then send them to the store with some basic fashion rules, totally out of their comfort zone. Well the first day they walk around in a daze picking up all the things they normally would, knowing that it is exactly opposite of what they should buy. Well yes that was me...but you see I have no taste or eye or whatever you want to call it, so you guessed it, I bought black, well and dark navy blue and well it met the criteria, does not stand out, and is not green. Well pretty frustrate here cause I know I wrote stuff earlier and I can't get to it. So anyway, weekend over, got my stuff for graduation, now it is just putting one foot in front of the other. I have no regrets and even watching the yoga championships confirmed it to me as well, no I will never do what they do, but when I think of how far I have come in less than 2 years well I know I will just leave the door open for where my practice may go, but it is true particularly in yoga that it is all about the journey and not about the destination. Other things I came away with this week, is that my brain is needs to be fed all the time and now having learned the dialogue and being in lectures that are difficult to process because of language and just not having enough stimulus it is just like going nuts. Luckily I saw a fascinating series of shows on discovery by Stephen Hawking called the Grand Design about the Universe and that fed my brain and I love that stuff, wish I could have pondered the beauty and complexity with Dan, we love to sit for hours contemplating the universe. I also learned that giving of yourself has to be well complete and with no expectations. If you need or expect something...well then you really aren't giving. Just let go and let the universe unfold as it will. Goodness is never left unrewarded in the long run. Well off to another week. If there is stuff after this part, then it is what I wrote earlier but can't get at it now. See you all very soon. Well I know I wrote some stuff earlier but Kind of hard to remember what happened this week. I can definitely say that for most of the week I was really more than ready for it to be over and to head back to my life at home since that is the inevitable place of the last stop on this trolley. Now I'm beginning to feel all the nostalgic sadness that comes with knowing many goodbyes are less than a week away and that people that I have shared a very close intimate unique experience will spread around the globe and most likely most I won't see again. But memories make indelible marks in the heart and there is something so powerfully wonderful to know that nothing has enriched my life more than to have known so many new people with such varied life experiences and the broadest range of personalities. And each in varying degrees, some lightly or some deeply each have touched my soul. So as I sit here thinking of life in the bubble, well in some ways it fell short of my expectations, yeah the part that is more from the head...but it also exceeded my expectations, the part that does not come from the brain but understands from the heart. I know the bond that all Bikram Yoga teachers have because that part, the Unintelligible part, probably individually so different but also undeniably within the same frame is shared by almost all. So I'm kind of carrying on here not saying much cause you know how do you put feelings into concrete words. Well good writers can do it...all I can say is that most of us while ready to move on will always remember this time of our lives with great fondness. Most of the week went by pretty fast. We had a lot of lectures this week. Dr. Das who is Rajshree's guru from India came and gave lectures on yoga therapy. He was difficult in some ways to understand because of his accent but I loved him in the sense that he carried a beautiful spirit and presence about him and you could tell he really knew his shit and well the main essence about the need for all body-mind-spirit in the healing because it is often the breakdown of all three which manifests in illness. And even thou

June 3, 2012 Week Seven and a Very Strange one

June 3, 2012 Week Seven and what a very strange one it was. Classes cancelled cause of heat issues, hypnotic hallucinations within a migraine during lectures, total collapse on floor outside class (barely making it through last part of class), a lot of lows and self reflection ( don't know why for me lows and self reflection seem to go hand in hand) flowers, friends etc. Well here are some of the details. The week started like any other week, class and more posture clinics although we are close to our final posture. Shannon brought me flowers for my room because I had made a comment of how my decor is pretty much San Quentin and how nice and bright her room was with flowers and a cornucopia of fruit on the desk. The flowers lasted me all week and certainly helped brighten an otherwise partly cloudy if not storm drenched week. Well then the announcement came that class was canceled something wrong with the heat. I go a little bit stir crazy with so much time on my hand and went for a wonderful run and did not think much of it, well while there was not a formal announcement word spread that someone had called the fire department and they had shut us down. That night Bikram told us that someone from our class called the fire department because the doors were taped, and while that seemed like a pretty easy thing to fix, we found out several days later something about the building inspector being called out and that the heating system and temporary permit attained were not valid or somehow needed a whole redo of the system etc. To be honest I never got the whole story which is pretty par for the course here. You pretty much are expected to live in the moment and just do what you are told to do and not obsess about the reasons why. We knew Monday night that we would not have classes on Tuesday so some of the Yogis spread out about town with cabs and cars to hit class at the various local studios. A group of us went to headquarters for the 9:30am class and I got to experience La traffic. No class that evening so again another run. We had several really good lectures this week, more my style as much more science grounded. We had an exercise physiologist from Colorado, the inventor of the laser beam and practicing yogi, and a physician with much involvement in yoga therapy. All were fabulous with a wonderful blend of explaining the evidence as presented by the scientific method as well as their beliefs and things not tested yet but are somewhat an extension of what has been proven. much more my style. No classes again on Wednesday, by this time there were many totally frustrated and crazy yogis especially with no answers. I went to another class at Hermosa Beach. The studio was so nice to welcome all of us, about 30 in each of the 3 morning classes we had available to attend. the instructor we had was my favorite of all the ones that had taught the big group. Gave fabulous corrections, was fun, energetic and still amazingly taught mostly pure dialogue. The room was wicked humid and luckily one of my fellow Yogis, Dionne gave me a water bottle with her potion of homeopathic drops and it tasted so good I actually drank it all and it helped me survive an amazingly hot and very humid class. I need to digress a little here cause I forgot. On Tuesday evening I was struck with a migraine. I could feel it coming on after our class at HQ that morning but it hit full blown by evening lecture. I was in much migraine pain with sound and lights seeming excessively amplified. I had my head in my hands most of the lecture. Well sometime during the lecture I entered this kind of hallucinogenic, hypnotic tripped out state where my arms and hands became endlessly fascinating. They were big and detailed and moved like they were not a part of me and oh so slowly and I was completely mesmerized by them. I knew where I was but was kind of what I imagine being hypnotized to be where I could not pull away from this fixation on my hands. Then some loud noise would happen and I'd snap out of it but kind of wanted to resume it too. I was obviously very dehydrated because that usually triggers migraine. So the next day was when my water angel gave me the bottle. So no classes again on Thursday so went to another class at 7:30 am at Hermosa Beach. We were told a good possibility class would resume on Friday. Then at lecture we were told we would probably have mandatory classes on the weekend. Well plenty of people make plans on the weekends, go to weddings, fly to see family etc. so the yoga community was pretty much in arms. I've got to say I do think it is pretty unfair, but you can't fight everyone's battles and so I leave it for them to fight with my total understanding and faith that something will be worked out to make it fair. Fairness is not actually a word used very much if at all around here. I'm skipping a lot here but trying to shorten this down a little especially with classes on the weekend not much free time to try and reenergize before starting the next week so trying to finish quick to get out to the pool. We finally had class on Friday PM, it was supposed to be at 6:00 but was delayed several times so it did not start until I think 7:30pm. Well I did not eat after they let us out of lecture...I had plenty of candy in lecture my latest drug of choice (more about that later) but did not want to eat anything before class. I was in a pretty bad mood by the time class started and really struggled through. I was pretty on edge dealing with people and should probably have recognized my blood sugar issues, but alas I did not. Was really feeling bad that evening and Saturday morning a lot of self reflection which i may or may not give a glimpse to at the end of this....just depends. Anyway the teacher was terrible, talked down to us and berated us like she thought she was Bikram. Bikram has earned that and knows how to do it, she most certainly did not. Struggled but survived. Spent about 2 hours feeling sorry for myself in my hotel room watching the US open, when I forced myself out to the pool and the. walked down tot the grocery store. It was a beautiful sunny day so I walked down to the store in my tank top and Nike fit shorts to continue to work on my tan. Well 3 total strangers in the line at the cashier and outside at Trader Joes and the local grocery store asked me what I did to look so fit and I must have 0 % body fat etc. etc. Well that certainly made me feel good. I only mention it cause it is part of the story to come. OK so I go to my 5:00 pm class, great teacher but half way through I could not barely pick up my legs or sit up, arms tingling, dry heaves, kind of like I had in the earlier weeks. By the time class was over I tried to drag myself out of class, took two steps and stopped kneeled down, took two more steps. One of my fellow trainees helped me out to the hallway with the fresh air, I made it just inside the room and collapsed. Luckily I had stayed in the room for a little while before. left because I pretty much had people stepping over me. Well the Kira from our staff gave me a coke and I immediately felt better. Dionne my water angel put her magic potion in my bottle and I immediately felt better after having the coke, so the light bulb kind of went off a little. I dragged myself upstairs and col apex on my hotel floor for another 15 minutes then finally began to feel human, ate and drank Much all night. Had a good run in the mooring and then began to do a little research on the web about hypoglycemia. So I kind of figured out that my problem is eating too much candy during the day....I don't eat chocolate I like pure sugar....good and plentys are my drug of choice and like most things there is not a hint of moderation. So instead of eating food, well yes I have an Apple or banana (both high glycemic), then during the week I've been getting my energy with G&P. Well with only one class it was no big deal although I certainly think it affected my moods. But the swings must really have messed with my ability to practice. Got to say I've enjoyed losing weight which is what eating candy does for you if you don't eat much food too. I still eat a big salad at night with tuna or turkey on it for this of you that think I've gone totally off the deep end. And rice cakes too. But funny how candy at least sugar candy does not have a lot of calories so I have lost a little weight, thus the comments cause my body fat is probably pretty low right now. So now I have to figure out how and when to eat. Not that easy when you are running then taking a morning class then in lecture right up until you take the evening class. most of the snack food I eat is high glycemic like fruit so well I'm sure I'll figure it out and if I don't only 2 more weeks. I went to Whole Food today and bought all the magic ingredients to my water and so at least drinking water will be more pleasurable and maybe I'll drink more of it. Ok last final thoughts on self reflection. Well you know I'm a rather intense person a lot of times and that both draws people but then kind of like a light that is too bright well it also makes people pull away. I also know that some things that seem very difficult to most come easier to me than to others but sometimes it is not so apparent the most mundane things that are a part of life that are really difficult for me. Such is life. I know myself pretty well and most days I accept these realities well, always a balance, always looking to be the best I can be and bring a little brightness to those around me. Sometimes I'm way too hard on myself and without Dan here there is no one to kind of get me out of my head. Today life is good, things seem back in balance and well onwards. Class this afternoon at 5:00pm, better go get some fun and EAT SOMETHING. PS Can't wait to hear how people enjoyed BOSS.