June 16, 2012 Final Thoughts

June 16, 2012 Final Thoughts I'm in the middle of packing and waiting for laundry to finish. We have our graduation ceremony at 3:00pm but things are pretty much winding down around here. I thought I'd take a few monuments to reflect on the journey...well the journey so far because if there is one thing that these nine weeks have taught me is that, this is just the start of a long journey well for the rest of my life and one who loves and believes in the power of Yoga and for me Bikram yoga in particular. I have learned that these nine weeks is just a taste of what I will discover about the yoga, about myself, about life. It did not present answers only the awareness that it is all about your own discovery and your own self realization. There is no perfect path, there is no set time frame it is as individual as snowflakes. We are each on our own journey. But what really makes this Bi,ram teacher training so very very special is that while we are each on our own individual journey, we are now part of a very special community of Bikram yoga teachers that share in this experience and in the bond that ties us with the love of the yoga and the compulsion to help others as the yoga has helped us. It is so marvelously beautiful and powerful Nd really indescribable. Sure we all got a plenty short with our patience and our disappointment in not getting the "answers" but I think in the end we realize that the answers are within us as individuals and as our community. The final class was amazing and I got to share it with many special people from my group around me. I am anxious to be home and start the next phase of my life, literally. Maybe I am feeling a little sentimental as I took a class this morning and have not eaten yet and feel pretty wasted...the good kind of wasted plus I'm packing and well just letting my mind wander and think. But I do think this has changed me a little. I am who I am and love who I am in my elemental makeup...work on being a better human every day and still work on not being so hard on myself. But what I did learn and hope to bring a little bit more into my life is to take more leaps without planning out every outcome and being sure that every potential thing that might happen is planned for. Be willing to do things with the chance that sometimes shit happens but that's OK too and part of life's experiences, sometimes the best part. To travel more and not just talk about it. To do more of the little things that give me pleasure with the same commitment and discipline that I put into the things that require that discipline...my yoga, running, my work. To retire sooner and not worry about having enough to retire...just do it and know it will be OK cause life is short and there is so much more to discover about myself and about the world. I have loved living with 400 people that come from everywhere and see the world through their unique prisms. some of the people I have come to know live much more in the moment and I love that...I know I will never be that type of person completely but I am going to try to shift from being 100% nit living in the moment to more like 75%-25%. CARPE DIEM...CAPE VITAM

June 10, 2012 - Nearing the end of a journey stepping on the precipice of another

June 10, 2012 Well it's Sunday already after a somewhat uneventful week. The weekend was great though. This morning after another somewhat sleepless night. I swear between forced late nights and just general insomnia or lack of need for sleep I only get about four hours a night. I get up every morning at 5:00am, and while most of you know I usually get up at 2:00am at home, here I don't go to bed at 7:30 either. Anyway, I thought I was going to the beach early so I checked on Facebook for any postings about people attending local studio early morning classes. Tom was going to Manhattan Beach which I hadn't attended yet so I met him in the lobby at 5:30am with no other takers. Loved the studio and had a really fabulous class. It was mat to mT as some of the volunteers and competitors from the Yoga International Asana Championships were attending. I forgot how much I enjoy the intimacy of a small studio and just had a great class. When I was leaving our teacher Tiffany said she remembered me from when she attended posture clinic and that she thought I was so fabulous and would make a great teacher. Made me feel great, but generally she was such a positive and upbeat person that well just affirms how much I believe in telling people nice things whenever you can (but never ever lie) cause it makes them feel happy. Anyway got a ride home and quickly went out for a run, don't usually like to go running right after yoga cause I am so wasted and yes I was for about 30 minutes but then I kind of settled into the rhythm and enjoyed the rest of my run. Came back and di some chores and watched the French Open. Well I kind of got totally blown off for the trip to the beach, and oh I love the California beaches and the sun. It is so relaxing. But in the end it worked out well cause if I had gone to the beach I never would have seen the Finals of the Men's and Women's International Yoga Championships. It is really inexplicable. I know some people think yoga has no business being competitive, but if you saw it you would see that it is not an environment of Western competition. It is each yogi doing their best with all the love and support of all who compete cause each knows the dedication and love of the yoga that each one has. Well if you feel what it is like amongst all who attend and compete you would understand. But maybe you have to do yoga and understand yoga to understand. Anyway then I saw demonstrations from the reigning junior, women's and men's champions. Well I was moved to tears particularly by the women's champion from Japan Yukari Miwa. just so beautiful with her smile and calmness yet so much strength and flexibility and concentration. They are announcing the winners in a few minutes for this year. Anyway, it was well worth missing the beach. So during the break between the men's and women's finals I went up to TJMaxx to do the thing I hate most...shopping. See I had brought a nice top to wear to graduation and then of course I found out it had green so I can't wear it cause there is absolutely no green around Bikram. Ughhh do I dread shopping. So first I stopped at Kohls and well tried on a few things, even a dress, but why should I get a dress now, it's just not me. So then I went the fun TJMaxx, I felt exactly like those people on that show, I think it is called "what to wear" where they take people that dress like me and throw out their clothes and then send them to the store with some basic fashion rules, totally out of their comfort zone. Well the first day they walk around in a daze picking up all the things they normally would, knowing that it is exactly opposite of what they should buy. Well yes that was me...but you see I have no taste or eye or whatever you want to call it, so you guessed it, I bought black, well and dark navy blue and well it met the criteria, does not stand out, and is not green. Well pretty frustrate here cause I know I wrote stuff earlier and I can't get to it. So anyway, weekend over, got my stuff for graduation, now it is just putting one foot in front of the other. I have no regrets and even watching the yoga championships confirmed it to me as well, no I will never do what they do, but when I think of how far I have come in less than 2 years well I know I will just leave the door open for where my practice may go, but it is true particularly in yoga that it is all about the journey and not about the destination. Other things I came away with this week, is that my brain is needs to be fed all the time and now having learned the dialogue and being in lectures that are difficult to process because of language and just not having enough stimulus it is just like going nuts. Luckily I saw a fascinating series of shows on discovery by Stephen Hawking called the Grand Design about the Universe and that fed my brain and I love that stuff, wish I could have pondered the beauty and complexity with Dan, we love to sit for hours contemplating the universe. I also learned that giving of yourself has to be well complete and with no expectations. If you need or expect something...well then you really aren't giving. Just let go and let the universe unfold as it will. Goodness is never left unrewarded in the long run. Well off to another week. If there is stuff after this part, then it is what I wrote earlier but can't get at it now. See you all very soon. Well I know I wrote some stuff earlier but Kind of hard to remember what happened this week. I can definitely say that for most of the week I was really more than ready for it to be over and to head back to my life at home since that is the inevitable place of the last stop on this trolley. Now I'm beginning to feel all the nostalgic sadness that comes with knowing many goodbyes are less than a week away and that people that I have shared a very close intimate unique experience will spread around the globe and most likely most I won't see again. But memories make indelible marks in the heart and there is something so powerfully wonderful to know that nothing has enriched my life more than to have known so many new people with such varied life experiences and the broadest range of personalities. And each in varying degrees, some lightly or some deeply each have touched my soul. So as I sit here thinking of life in the bubble, well in some ways it fell short of my expectations, yeah the part that is more from the head...but it also exceeded my expectations, the part that does not come from the brain but understands from the heart. I know the bond that all Bikram Yoga teachers have because that part, the Unintelligible part, probably individually so different but also undeniably within the same frame is shared by almost all. So I'm kind of carrying on here not saying much cause you know how do you put feelings into concrete words. Well good writers can do it...all I can say is that most of us while ready to move on will always remember this time of our lives with great fondness. Most of the week went by pretty fast. We had a lot of lectures this week. Dr. Das who is Rajshree's guru from India came and gave lectures on yoga therapy. He was difficult in some ways to understand because of his accent but I loved him in the sense that he carried a beautiful spirit and presence about him and you could tell he really knew his shit and well the main essence about the need for all body-mind-spirit in the healing because it is often the breakdown of all three which manifests in illness. And even thou

June 3, 2012 Week Seven and a Very Strange one

June 3, 2012 Week Seven and what a very strange one it was. Classes cancelled cause of heat issues, hypnotic hallucinations within a migraine during lectures, total collapse on floor outside class (barely making it through last part of class), a lot of lows and self reflection ( don't know why for me lows and self reflection seem to go hand in hand) flowers, friends etc. Well here are some of the details. The week started like any other week, class and more posture clinics although we are close to our final posture. Shannon brought me flowers for my room because I had made a comment of how my decor is pretty much San Quentin and how nice and bright her room was with flowers and a cornucopia of fruit on the desk. The flowers lasted me all week and certainly helped brighten an otherwise partly cloudy if not storm drenched week. Well then the announcement came that class was canceled something wrong with the heat. I go a little bit stir crazy with so much time on my hand and went for a wonderful run and did not think much of it, well while there was not a formal announcement word spread that someone had called the fire department and they had shut us down. That night Bikram told us that someone from our class called the fire department because the doors were taped, and while that seemed like a pretty easy thing to fix, we found out several days later something about the building inspector being called out and that the heating system and temporary permit attained were not valid or somehow needed a whole redo of the system etc. To be honest I never got the whole story which is pretty par for the course here. You pretty much are expected to live in the moment and just do what you are told to do and not obsess about the reasons why. We knew Monday night that we would not have classes on Tuesday so some of the Yogis spread out about town with cabs and cars to hit class at the various local studios. A group of us went to headquarters for the 9:30am class and I got to experience La traffic. No class that evening so again another run. We had several really good lectures this week, more my style as much more science grounded. We had an exercise physiologist from Colorado, the inventor of the laser beam and practicing yogi, and a physician with much involvement in yoga therapy. All were fabulous with a wonderful blend of explaining the evidence as presented by the scientific method as well as their beliefs and things not tested yet but are somewhat an extension of what has been proven. much more my style. No classes again on Wednesday, by this time there were many totally frustrated and crazy yogis especially with no answers. I went to another class at Hermosa Beach. The studio was so nice to welcome all of us, about 30 in each of the 3 morning classes we had available to attend. the instructor we had was my favorite of all the ones that had taught the big group. Gave fabulous corrections, was fun, energetic and still amazingly taught mostly pure dialogue. The room was wicked humid and luckily one of my fellow Yogis, Dionne gave me a water bottle with her potion of homeopathic drops and it tasted so good I actually drank it all and it helped me survive an amazingly hot and very humid class. I need to digress a little here cause I forgot. On Tuesday evening I was struck with a migraine. I could feel it coming on after our class at HQ that morning but it hit full blown by evening lecture. I was in much migraine pain with sound and lights seeming excessively amplified. I had my head in my hands most of the lecture. Well sometime during the lecture I entered this kind of hallucinogenic, hypnotic tripped out state where my arms and hands became endlessly fascinating. They were big and detailed and moved like they were not a part of me and oh so slowly and I was completely mesmerized by them. I knew where I was but was kind of what I imagine being hypnotized to be where I could not pull away from this fixation on my hands. Then some loud noise would happen and I'd snap out of it but kind of wanted to resume it too. I was obviously very dehydrated because that usually triggers migraine. So the next day was when my water angel gave me the bottle. So no classes again on Thursday so went to another class at 7:30 am at Hermosa Beach. We were told a good possibility class would resume on Friday. Then at lecture we were told we would probably have mandatory classes on the weekend. Well plenty of people make plans on the weekends, go to weddings, fly to see family etc. so the yoga community was pretty much in arms. I've got to say I do think it is pretty unfair, but you can't fight everyone's battles and so I leave it for them to fight with my total understanding and faith that something will be worked out to make it fair. Fairness is not actually a word used very much if at all around here. I'm skipping a lot here but trying to shorten this down a little especially with classes on the weekend not much free time to try and reenergize before starting the next week so trying to finish quick to get out to the pool. We finally had class on Friday PM, it was supposed to be at 6:00 but was delayed several times so it did not start until I think 7:30pm. Well I did not eat after they let us out of lecture...I had plenty of candy in lecture my latest drug of choice (more about that later) but did not want to eat anything before class. I was in a pretty bad mood by the time class started and really struggled through. I was pretty on edge dealing with people and should probably have recognized my blood sugar issues, but alas I did not. Was really feeling bad that evening and Saturday morning a lot of self reflection which i may or may not give a glimpse to at the end of this....just depends. Anyway the teacher was terrible, talked down to us and berated us like she thought she was Bikram. Bikram has earned that and knows how to do it, she most certainly did not. Struggled but survived. Spent about 2 hours feeling sorry for myself in my hotel room watching the US open, when I forced myself out to the pool and the. walked down tot the grocery store. It was a beautiful sunny day so I walked down to the store in my tank top and Nike fit shorts to continue to work on my tan. Well 3 total strangers in the line at the cashier and outside at Trader Joes and the local grocery store asked me what I did to look so fit and I must have 0 % body fat etc. etc. Well that certainly made me feel good. I only mention it cause it is part of the story to come. OK so I go to my 5:00 pm class, great teacher but half way through I could not barely pick up my legs or sit up, arms tingling, dry heaves, kind of like I had in the earlier weeks. By the time class was over I tried to drag myself out of class, took two steps and stopped kneeled down, took two more steps. One of my fellow trainees helped me out to the hallway with the fresh air, I made it just inside the room and collapsed. Luckily I had stayed in the room for a little while before. left because I pretty much had people stepping over me. Well the Kira from our staff gave me a coke and I immediately felt better. Dionne my water angel put her magic potion in my bottle and I immediately felt better after having the coke, so the light bulb kind of went off a little. I dragged myself upstairs and col apex on my hotel floor for another 15 minutes then finally began to feel human, ate and drank Much all night. Had a good run in the mooring and then began to do a little research on the web about hypoglycemia. So I kind of figured out that my problem is eating too much candy during the day....I don't eat chocolate I like pure sugar....good and plentys are my drug of choice and like most things there is not a hint of moderation. So instead of eating food, well yes I have an Apple or banana (both high glycemic), then during the week I've been getting my energy with G&P. Well with only one class it was no big deal although I certainly think it affected my moods. But the swings must really have messed with my ability to practice. Got to say I've enjoyed losing weight which is what eating candy does for you if you don't eat much food too. I still eat a big salad at night with tuna or turkey on it for this of you that think I've gone totally off the deep end. And rice cakes too. But funny how candy at least sugar candy does not have a lot of calories so I have lost a little weight, thus the comments cause my body fat is probably pretty low right now. So now I have to figure out how and when to eat. Not that easy when you are running then taking a morning class then in lecture right up until you take the evening class. most of the snack food I eat is high glycemic like fruit so well I'm sure I'll figure it out and if I don't only 2 more weeks. I went to Whole Food today and bought all the magic ingredients to my water and so at least drinking water will be more pleasurable and maybe I'll drink more of it. Ok last final thoughts on self reflection. Well you know I'm a rather intense person a lot of times and that both draws people but then kind of like a light that is too bright well it also makes people pull away. I also know that some things that seem very difficult to most come easier to me than to others but sometimes it is not so apparent the most mundane things that are a part of life that are really difficult for me. Such is life. I know myself pretty well and most days I accept these realities well, always a balance, always looking to be the best I can be and bring a little brightness to those around me. Sometimes I'm way too hard on myself and without Dan here there is no one to kind of get me out of my head. Today life is good, things seem back in balance and well onwards. Class this afternoon at 5:00pm, better go get some fun and EAT SOMETHING. PS Can't wait to hear how people enjoyed BOSS.

May 27, 2012 Weeks Five and Six

May 27, 2012 Promised myself I would write this morning, Sunday before I headed out for the day at the beach. Last week I decided to write my blog when I got back, and as you can tell it never happened. So the last two weeks have been more of the same. Posture clinics where you deliver the dialogue and a couple of classes a day. While more of the same and a pretty regular routine they each bring something special where you either learn more about yourself, your practice, types of teachers you respond best to, things that push your buttons, deep conversations, how differently people perceive the same event. It really is an amazing experience to be in a bubble. The discoveries, affirmations, or just subtle new lights shed on old views of oneself is really interesting. Somethings things hit you smack in the face and other times you reflect or in talking with a close friend you look back on things and just see things kind of different. It has been fun mostly. Well on to more of what actually has transpired. I think for me what I notice most of what I get so. much pleasure in, is helping others with learning their postures and delivering them. At first I helped people in actually memorizing, which I still do, but most y it is amazing how quickly everyone has learned what works for them and for some it is just a lot of time. What I find most rewarding though, is helping people to get the confidence and the comfort to actually teach the dialogue rather than just try and spit it out from an imaginary page in their mind. I helped the is one older guy, Polish, so English is not his first language although he is fairly fluent in it. He would stand up and just freeze and sweat and mumble and oh jt was painful to watch. He is not in my group but every posture we are paired with different groups. So one day after I seen him, I saw him sitting out in the hour before we had to go to class and I asked him to say his next posture for me, well he kind of gave me all sorts of excusses etc. so I just strted working with him and we laughed and when he quit fretting about it he had no problem, so I boosted his confidence a lot, and sent him on his way with a pen of mine telling him that before he got up he had to click the pen to remind him of me smiling and him smiling and that he can do it. He said it was the best one he did, and that day he started to release some of the anger from PSTD that he has from when he was in the Polish army when he was young. anyway, he turned the corner and now has come out of his he'll a little. I worked with another girl who is French. Her trouble was more of confidence in her English and so she would go so painfully slow in spitting out the dialogue. So again we worked, we laughed, and she saw she could do it. I can pick out specific things to focus on to help them and because they trust me, it just works. Then I've worked a little with people in my own group. Not for big extended periods of time but just little things to help them with their dialogue. See, I have been able to see them progress and hear all their individual feedback as well as see all sorts of great teacher trainees deliver their dialogue. I'm by no means the best. Some are just naturals and amazing. But through this process, every time we deliver the dialogue we are critiqued or given helpful suggestions by current teachers that come back and give feedback. Some have been just fabulous and I've learned a lot, others well...not so much. One of the drawbacks is that without anyone consistently looking at the progress and all that has been suggested or tried, the trainee can become confused and kind of lost. So for a coup,e of them I have kind of grounded them and given them specific tips so when they finish delivering their postures they look first to me to see how they did before they turn to hear from the teacher. Of course they always get better and better. It is mostly just finding ways to get them to believe in themselves. Nothing has given me more pleasure here than to see people just blossom and become ready to teach but more importantly for them to believe they are ready to teach. So one of the things I have learned about myself is that I really love to teach and that in some ways it is an independent passion, and not just a byproduct of the passions I have. Thanks Shannon. Boss-Bikram was back last week and was in rare form on a Monday class. He was in the best mood and of course it is partly because my class is awesome and really works hard and is pretty technically proficient but mostly cause we try really hard. Anyway, the whole class he was telling jokes, all mostly with sexual innuendo and we were all just laughing and cracking up the whole class. Class flew by. It was great fun. We had him again on Wednesday and this time he was more back to yelling at specific people when they do the postures wrong. He cracks me up when he exclaims real loud...I HHHAAATTEEE LLLAAAAZZY PEOPLE. You don't want to be on the front end of that. This day we did the beginning part of triangle about 15 times because we had a coup,e of people that could not bring their arms down at the same time they took the step out to the right. So we did it over and over. That night we had a lecture on yoga and other exercise followed by some violent action Bollywood movie until about 2:00am. I did not sleep through it but I shut my eyes during every minute of it and just kind of rested them and me so I was not all that tired the next day. A lot of people stay up to study several hours after we are released for the night...usually 11:00 on non movie or non lecture nights. I go right to bed cause I am a morning person. I get up about 5:00 every morning and study a little then go out to run at 5:45. Dan call me at 7:00as he is on his own adventure travel long down the Mississippi river starting in Michigan on a solo self supported bike trip. It is fun to hear how his long day went. Riding 100 mile days in iffy weather is a ton harder than doing a couple of yoga classes in the heat. Which by the way, the hear does not bother me at all any more and I'm back to not needing any water in class, although I usually bring a little in and take a sip after eagle and savasana but just merely wetting my lips. Oh other things that have happened. We had Rajshree, Bikrams wife finally arrive after having been abroad travel long during the first few weeks of our training. I have experienced a ton of teachers here, but she is by far my favorite. She makes me work so hard but she has such kind sweet spirit in her teaching manner that it is such a p,easier to take class. That element of trust which is thrown out so much about the student being able to trust the teacher to be willing to try going beyond the limits they have set for themselves as well as to be pushed by the teacher in ever subtle ways well I understand it much better now. It is special and I'm sure takes many years or else it is just a gift. so every time she appears on the podium I am delighted. One class she spent reminiscing in between postures of the early days in teacher training. In the early days it was just she, Emmy and Bikram that held every class and did every posture clinic. It sounded like she was the gentle nurturing soul to Bikrams strength and power. A great combination. Oh last thing I guess before I forget. I made myself standout again which I so regret after I do it, but I could not help myself. We had a speaker for 2 days, who is A body work specialist. He deals with fascia, the tissue that binds your muscles and bones. Anyway, he also talks a lot about emotional release etc etc. Well He tended to trash and put down Things in order to support what he believed in. So for example he said you thought all your life that the skeleton supported you but I'm telling you that is wrong. the skeleton would just collapse without the fascia that binds it, fascia really supports you and he showed some skeleton collapsing etc. Well you could make the same argument against fascia if you phrased it the same way. Instead of saying that humans are a complex system in which the skeletal system, the muscular system, and the fascia that binds them all support the body he wanted his to be superior so he trashed the others. BS. But that's not what I objected to. He went on a whole tangent this time googn off on how sports and exercise and then he made the cardinal sin...he talked about rhow running is supposed to be good for your heart, but Jim Fixx who witenagemot the book on running died while running and he mentioned 2 or 3 similar examples of people dying in a marathon and Pete Maravich collapsing on th basketball course. Well few things can set me off more than this most grossly abused means of supporting an argument. So I walked to the bathroom ato let out some steam but then I could not let go and I raised my hand and I told him that it was a bull sht argument to pick out anecdotal incidents as a means of making a broad statement against running. And for every person he named I could name him 100 that run in their 80s and 90s. And while I don't personally know any I could bet that someone has died while doing yoga. That is life and it si stupid to make single correlations as a broad state,mention of fact. So he asked me if I thought fit people could be unhealthy and I told him I could not answer it unless he defined fit and unhealthy because my guess is that we would not have similar definitions. So people clapped for me. The a little later he again trashed running because it was addictive and people loved the high it gave them. So I yelled out, well we get the same thing from yoga. Anyway, it always bothers me when people feel the only way to support their "thing" is to trash the other. Like I told the guy, there is a lot of bad things about running but not all of it is bad and what we all look for is a right balance. You know, he trashed the western medical world for not giving any credence to alternative medicines and then proceeded to trash every bit of anything other than what he believed. In my view he was just a different side of the same coin as the doctors. We will never get it right unless each side begins to believe in the value of the other as an integrated means to best serve the human being, but each side feels they can only boost themselves by trashing the other, all or nothing. Well off my soap box. Afterwards many many many people came up to thank me for speaking up that they were all just boiling in their seats. Of course for every one showing support there were darts that were sent my way. I prefer anonymity, luckily in a day, I could sink back into it again. Went to the beach yesterday studied dialogue, relaxed and had a beer. Special friends make life special. Today more if the same. I better get ready. We have all shifted our focus pretty quick lately to thinking about getting ready to teach our first class. I think next week we will try putting the standing and floor series together to see how teaching the class would be. I think I thanked everyone on Faceboook, but I just remembered that cause I did not write last week I did not thank everyone for my gift box from the studio. I was really overwhelmed with all the very very unique and specificlally thoughtful gifts and kind words. Cried cried cried several times that day thinking of how really lucky I am and how special you each are to me. Looking so forward to seeing you all and standing on that podium when I return...and actually getting to see your practices instead of just glimpses on days I'm distracted.

May 13, 2012 Week Four

May 13 , 2012 Week Four Week Four - So difficult to sum up really. In some ways it was living in Hell without the devil in residence...Bikram was away all weak and returns on Monday. It was actually an OK week except for about half...well maybe a little more than half my classes which were an interesting exploration of will and determination or maybe stupidity, followed with a continual intellectual assessment of trying to figure out what I can adjust to ease the stress. so in that sense it was well...not too bad even if it sucked in the exact moment. Let me explain...So on any class where the ratcheted up the heat; and for those of you in my favorite studio of the whole world as a means of comparison...think of the hottest most humid day packed with bodies and then imagine it about 20 degrees hotter and if it were possible to get over 100% humidity, I'd claim we did it, but since it is not, I guess I'll concede to 100%. So in all my classes I got to the floor and while a little shaky by tree, I was OK. So you would think once you got to the floor you would be golden, that is what I thought by I experienced something totally different. I love the spine strengthening exercises, the next 4 so I work pretty hard then when I got to fixed firm and tortoise which can be the kind of rest postures if you need it I could barely lift my body up the floor on the sit up, then by camel I was doing some serious dry heaves, I love rabbit and it feels so good so I would do that but then could barely lift my head up for separate leg stretching and then could not even do spine twist or the breathing. Many of these days there was a steady stream of people out of the yoga room and several were carried out. Note: For those that think this is dangerous, well everyone recovers by the next class, at least well enough even if they lay there a lot. You are always next to people feeling better or feeling worse. I consider it my challenge to keep smiling and supporting those around me as I suffer and they suffer next to me, when they see me go on, they try harder to just stay in the room and we smile and give thumbs up, whisper words of encouragement and it is a powerful element of my classes this week. Well to continue the physical saga, so I started asking people about what they were doing to cope and got some suggestions on some supplements, but pretty much many many people barely the first set of all the standing postures exerting little effort, working more on precision of the early foundation movements, so I think I have just been going as usual, working as hard as I can on each posture. But I tried the last day working more on precision with less of the movement and it seemed to help. I also started bringing in Gatorade along with my water. On the last day one of my wonderful beautiful TT from Spain said that she was really struggling and now takes a full 15 minutes on the final savasana before going back to her room. She said that no matter how tough her class was it leaves her totally refreshed and ready for the rest of the day and not dreading the next class. So I tried it on Saturday, it felt great but it is hard to say as the whole class was great because the heat was more down in the 110-115 level. Did I tell you guys that I have to make sure I have my light titanium glasses on instead of my metal framed glasses because my metal knees get too hot and feel like they are burning my arms for half moon and separate leg head to knee. Anyway, a little more on this exhausting feeling. So After class I lay on my mat for about 5 minutes and then try to drag myself out of the hot room, step step...pause, drop my head...breathe; step step...pause, drop head, breathe, breathe again, breathe one more time, step step...you get my drift. I get into the yoga sign up room sit down, recover another 5 minutes and then drag myself upstairs where a shot of orange juice just boom is like a hit of energy. So I am trying to remember to bring some OJ with me for after class. Too bad it would make me sick during class. Many things to try this week with suggestions form others. Have to be careful with too many electrolytes cause they give you the runs and I think I would prefer fatigue and dry heaves to that. Oh there were a few classes that were normal cause the heat was lower. One of the fun things is experiencing all the different styles of teachers. There have been a couple which were universal favorites but funny how many of the others some people really connect too and others don't like at all. It is great to experience them all. Wish I could remember all the motivating cool things they say but it is like they hit the erase button on that tape and so I'll have to come up with my own. But these teachers, most with many years of experience have some great lines and motivational reminders about the practice and life. The other part of the week was pretty good. We had anatomy with Dr. P which just kept getting better and better and was in bed by midnight every night. We went through a lot of postures and am totally impressed with everyone that did not learn the dialogue before hand. I did have an interesting and what I considered was Abadan experience initially but now a very good one having experienced it. I know the dialogue on the postures we are doing very well because I help others learn it line by line so it just locks in what I already know so I've not had any problem delivering it. Well I was doing bow pose and did not really connect with the teachers critiquing our group that day. Then on the person before I delivered mine they were given a critique of gesturing too much. Well I tend to talk with my hands and gesture a lot it kind of helps me express my words, he said use your voice to express not your hands. So I tried not to use my hands and about mid way through the posture because I was focusing on this, the dialogue just went out of my head, but I just kept giving commands, a little out of order and missing command and repeating one again before I went back on track. I was pretty disappointed in myself but my group is super supportive and by the next day I was really glad that I experienced that because I'm sure I will again in posture clinic as well as many many times in my teaching life and I realize it is no big deal, if you know the posture, your students don't know at all, just be confident in what you are telling them and if you know the posture then no problem. Our group of 20 is fabulous. We have some real superstars which is wonderful because I kind of like being a B student and not the A student. We are all so loving and supportive of each other that one of the teachers critiquing us said she could just be with us every day and we need to share this energy and support with every group we get paired with. She just said it over and over. Dan has been here this weekend. What a wonderful break. You can talk with someone on the phone every day but there is nothing like spending 24 hours a day just hanging out to make you feel centered and grounded. We ate some nice meals and a cold brewski at dinner one evening was so pleasurable. Dan leaves by the time I get back from class on Monday am. Then he is off to his own adventure, flying back to Boulder to say a last goodbye to Jake, Michelle, and little Mac, before he drives to the head of the Mississippi and then goes on a 4 week self supported (carries tent , sleeping bag, cook materials, etc on his bike)journey. Yeah I am a little worried but you know just like this yoga, what's life if you don't push the boundaries just a little. Only one life to live and at our ages you got to do what you can when you can cause as the famous line from balancing stick goes..."if you're late it's over" Next week Bikram returns and I know it really will be he'll. 3:00pm bedtimes and 120 minute Bikram taught classes, but now I'm a little more worried about those because I have been doing so poorly physically. Well all I can do is trust that he will see that I always do the best I can...and you know I do believe that he does, well 95% belief anyway. Thanks for all the kind emails and Facebook words of support. I was a little slack on responding this week. Sorry about that. PS Liana (my sister) I know you are worried but life is good and I'm fine and this really is not a cult...promise. Next wee So that's the physical part

May 6, 2012 - Week Three

May 6, 2012 Week Three Well I wrote a lot this morning but it is gone now so I will start over, just as well as I was not in the mood to write this morning. A little bit about how the body is holding up...well pretty good at the start of the week, seemed to have gotten by hydration and electrolytes, eating routines etc. all established so that it was working. Round about late Wednesday and into Thursday my glutes, hip flexors, periformis...all those muscles in your but that move your leg up and down tightened up into a big knot. So much so, my fantasy was to have a massive body builder type masseuse, drive his elbow into the knots until it hurt, I think about it all the time, oh to have some release from the tightness. Today is my day off from yoga and it does feel a little better today but I know after one class I'll be suffering again and who knows how much worse it might get but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. It seemed I'd been getting real used to the heat cause I have not been drinking anything in class, the water gets so hot it kind of is disgusting to me so I just wait until I get back to the room...? BUT...play the JAWS theme song...just when you think you are safe...On Saturday, which is our last class of the week and last week the heat was pretty low and the class was fantastic tons of energy, this week the exact opposite happened, I was dripping in the first posture and I hardly ever drip and probably don't really break a good sweat until about the 6th posture so I knew right off it would be a tough class. Well all around me people were down on their mats sitting out postures, which was more similar to the first week with plenty of people leaving the room and 3 people being carried out by staff. One guy said he has a thermometer on his water bottle and it hit the max 120 degrees early. It looked like a war zone, but that being said, plenty of people thought it was only "a little hotter" and had normal classes. Just goes to show that it really is about each of us individually, how hydrated we are, sleep deprived, mentally weak, etc it is not really about the room. I hear this type temp is what we should expect all next week so I bought a bigger water bottle that I can put some ice in and hopefully make myself drink a little through class. A little about what went on this week as Bikram was going out of Rowan so we did not see him all week except he came in to watch a Bollywood movie at midnight on Tuesday with anyone that wanted to stay up and watch with him...ahhhhh no Thank you. we continue to take classes 2x a day and will throughout the 9 weeks. In between the two classes and after the evening class until about midnight we wither have lecture or posture clinic. We have been having anatomy lectures and the guy, Dr.Preddy is fabulous. He is an ER doctor in Las Vegas so you know he has to have it on the ball plus he teaches anatomy for colleges as well. He is really funny and interesting and gives very good overview of everything letting us know what part will be on our final test so we can free ourselves up to listen rather than write down one of a million anatomical parts. We we are not in lecture we are in posture clinic. There are 26 postures in Bikram yoga and each posture has a very specific dialogue or script, so it is like learning a 40 page poem. Similar to some poems it is not straightforward English and we call it Bikramese. Sometimes you want to translate his strange phrasings of English into proper grammar etc. but you know they find that students hear the strangely worded grammatically incorrect phrases better so it seems to serve the purpose. In addition to the exact words you are give some additional phrases to substitute in and each teacher while sticking very close to the dialogue makes the class unique after teaching a few years. For us rookies it is all about the strict dialogue for a while and the dialogue is ultimately your reference anytime someone has a question about how to do something, the answer is always in the dialogue. No matter how often you recite the poem, it sings a different melody depending on the day and where you are in your practice. I hope I never forget that and in mNy years to come continue to read it as if for the first time. Speaking Of many years to come...I really like Bikram and I appreciate him for all he brings and within that I accept him totally for who he is, the parts I like and the parts that are a little off the wall, Emmy on the other had I idolize and put on a pedestal. Emmy you might recall is the 86 year old teacher that looks, thinks, acts, communicates as if she were 60 and that is absolutely not an exaggeration. On Tuesday she taught a very intense focused class. Emmy is not about dialogue, she is about getting us the future representatives of the yoga to understand and do each posture with EXACT PRECISION. She gets all over us when we don't. I understand she is the only one that can give it to Bikram. She works with him on his yoga and the Advance series just like she does us, no slack. Well after teaching a 100 minute class and then staying to answer questions, she came back 2 hours later imppecably dressed and gave a 90 minute lecture on pain and injuries and then proceeded to have probably 100 students come up so she could correct each one on triangle, most of them requiring her to physically pushing their hips forward etc. for another 2 hours. I was just sitting in my seat and was exhausted. Back to the dialogue and posture clinics. During posture clinics you must perform the dialogue of each posture. We are going one by one and are on posture 5 now. For posture clinics, our class is divided into groups of about 20 each. You stay with the same group throughout the 9 weeks. For every clinic you are paired with another group and then each trainee stands up and delivers the dialogue for that posture in front of the 2 groups using 3 other trainees doing the posture as if they were the class. So first of all you need to make sure you have memorized it, then you work on delivering it so things like energy, voice inflection, exactness of the dialogue, body language wtc Teachers fly in from across the country and give you this type of feedback on how to improve your delivery or what homework you have for the next posture. My first homework was to relax a little more and don.'t be so serious, my second was to use a little more body language, my third was to help other people. It is all very dependent on what the teacher likes or sees but I have found all the feedback not just for me but for others to be very very helpful. It is all a process of finding your style and U think with every posture I am finding that a tiny bit more. Some people really struggle with the dialogue. Many are finding out they have to spend a lot more time going over and over it and most are definitely rising to the challenge. Others have terrible stage fright and despite knowing it just completely blank out and break into a cold sweat. It is really remarkable the amazing improvements for this that are struggling form posture to posture. Of course I know I must be on an emotional edge from being over tired and lack of sleep because every time one of these struggling group mate stands up and wills their way despite great fear one step bereft and better I am brought to tears. Today being Sunday, my only day off I have spent 6 hours helping people with dialogue. I so love doing it. Nothing make me feel so happy and satisfied than to help go over and over and over. I like to try different things on them to see what connects and I force them to say it loud cause i've found saying Aline loud takes so much more energy that it causes your brain not to be able to stay ahead towards the next line and then you freeze. So I make them practice saying it loud because I also find that all of them memorize it but sometimes they need to let the top part of the brain loose so that the inner part that really knows it can just spit it out. Just like life, our conscious brains try and think to much when it does not need thinking. As much as I love doing it, it truly is exhausting work and now Sunday is over and I don't really feel rested or prepared for next week but I still have a few hours to veg, sleep early. Until next week Carpe Diem, Carpe Vitam

April 29, 2012 - Week Two

April 29, 2012 It was an interesting week, mainly because I struggled so much physically early in the week during my classes. Every single class, by the second posture (out of 26) the combination nausea and lightheadedness would take over so that every second, and I mean literally every second I would struggle with every ounce of my being not to sit out a posture. Time elongated so a 90 minute class was like three hours. It kind if seems unfair that when you feel the worse time slows and when you feel the best it speeds up, it would be much nicer if it was the other way around. Bikram teaches the afternoon class and if I haven't described the room, let me give you a sense. The room has about 10 lines parallel to the front mirror where you put your mat. It probably holds 40-50 people with about 2 feet in between each. Then at the front is this platform of about 15ft. by 15ft' from which the instructor teaches. The platform is about 10th off the ground. When Bikram teaches, there is this big chair he sometimes sits on, but often he is up and about animated on the stage. He can see everyone, but pretty much if you are within the first 3 rows and within about 10-12 bodies on either side of the middle you are in prime site for him to go after you during class for doing the posture wrong. By wrong it does not mean that you are just not good at it because you are inflexible, old injuries, body destiny, but because you are not precise in your posture. As he says 99% right is 100% wrong. No compromise on the exactness at whatever stage you are at. To further explain the system, you are assigned into a group and everyday you get a line assignment so you move up and back throughout the 9 weeks, no hanging out in the back away from the instructor but mainly Bikram. When the doors open people tend to set up furthest from the podium if they are struggling and have a weak practice to avoid the potential ire. This weak I was in row 4 moving up to 2. I managed to get a spot just outside the main line of sights while I was having these terrible battles with my head and stomach. What makes it hard is that you spend the whole time trying to manage how much energy to spend on each posture and which changes of where your head drops might cause you to faint that you can't focus on all those things that allow you to balance and do the postures. As I sit here today, I would make myself smile sometimes at the height of my distress, because I was aware that this was making me more compassionate and more aware of what my students sometimes feel. You would not believe all the time you have for chatter in your head when you can't focus. Usually I just focus only the words of the dialogue or some particular thing within a posture I am working on say like pulling up on my quad to lock my knee better, or trying to get my 2 shoulders in one line and not tilting my head etc.etc. but as bad as I was feeling all I got was my brain just chatting away with itself throughout. "this sucks" "better not kick out" "ughhh think I'm going to puke" "you can do it stay up" "smile, this is what you came for" "I can last today but what if I can' figure out what is causing this...don't think I can take 9 weeks of this" "what a beautiful bow" "the poor people beside me, sorry, I'll try not to fall out so much and move in between the postures, but if I don't I'll go down" etc etc. Monday to Wednesday, 2x a day I would just dread going to class and then barely drag myself back from class. I get trying different things to drink etc, but when you are sick to your aroma hit is hard. I did notice that I felt immediately revived after my Bikram Balance electrolyte drink after class. I thought it might be a blood sugar thing, why I was so weak and had tried some OJ, but that had made me very sick to my stomach during class. Well without going on any longer I tried drinking the Bikram Balance before class as well as after and it seems to have solved the trick. I still mess up sometimes, like I was hungry one morning and ate too may rice cakes with a banana too close to class. Overall by Thursday I seemed to have gotten my electrolytes right and what a difference it was to have a normal class. The heat has not bothered me at all at least with the temp they have chosen to put it at least for now. Now let me give you a little sense of what the week was like outside of the class disaster. Everyone seems to be adjusting well and people are starting to form little groups of people they are most comfortable hanging out with. Just like in class, most of us like one side of the room vs. the other and so you tend to get to know people that likgo to about the same area even if their lines move day to day. You find people that are very diligent about studying the dialogue and others well not so much. I feel really good about knowing most of the dialogue to some degree and then it really helps me lock it in by working with someone just learning it. Bikram was around this week and then he goes away next week so we had the final endless sessions of sitting through NIM listening to each person deliver the dialogue for the first posture. It took about 3 hours for 50 people so that means we did about 30 hours of this. Well it is 6:00 am now on Sunday, and I'm not too thrilled with my writings to you all this morning so I'm going to go out for my run and hope the thoughts flow a little better when I return. Just back from my run and feel like a million bucks, so much better than when I left. It is why I continue to run every day even given the high physical demands from the class, lack of sleep, different diet. When I run it is so calming and I just love to breathe the air in and out in and out. I often listen to an audiobook, sometimes,for those of you that read a lot you know how nice it is to lose yourself in a book, totally out of your head for a while,same thing, other times I'll have the audiobook playing but my brain is just floating on it's own thoughts so when I get back I will have to replay the chapter. The. neighborhoods in LA remind me so much of my home growing up in Miami, it was somewhat nostalgic this morning, I could almost put myself back in time to when I ran at home, well enough of that I'm sure you care more about what it is like here. This is the daily schedule: 8:00 am sign up and 8:30 class - usually get back to the room about 10:30 10:30 am - Noon - break where you eat breakfast/lunch 12:00 sign up, 12:30pm - 4:00pm lecture or posture clinic 4:30 sign up 5:00pm- 7:00pm class 7:00pm-9:00pm rest/dinner 9:00 sign up 9:30 pm to whenever lecture and when Bikrams here, movies So this week we had 2 movies, I'm becoming a fan of the Bollywood productions. They are at least 3 hours long, but if I can find a spot in the room where I can see the subtitles but also doze off occasionally Without the staff busting you then it works ok. The chairs are really stiff but in the outside you can sometimes turn a chair and make it a foot rest. This week we had 2 movies, enjoyed both. One took us to 2:00pm the other until 3:15pm and then it takes a little time to settle in to bed. Makes it rough getting up at 5:30am. Thankfully I have a room by myself so I can get up, talk to Dan, and go out for my run, all before class. Bikram spoke at most evening lectures at least for a little bit before we did the endless half moon pose by everyone. We had another guy speak a couple of afternoons who was in the original teacher training class and owns 4 or 5 studios in San Francisco. He was excellent in doing the More thought to thought progression translation of Bikram speak which tends to jump around all over the place. Also some good stories and some interesting information on heating systems, bacteria, rugs etc etc. Bikram seemed to be in an exceedingly good mood all week. I just love listening to him. For those of you going to see him in Boston, try and sit up close enough to see his eyes. His eyes reflect the youth and enthusiasm in each minute that you see in a young boy that is looking a big tractor, or massive dirt moving machine. They sparkle and dance with each word. When I was thinking about it this week, what amazes me the most is that he still teaches and speaks about this yoga almost every day sometimes multiple times and every single time he does it totally present in the moment. No going through the motions even though it is probably the kazillionth time he has done it. You can tell that communicating with whatever his audience is at the time or whatever the class is the most important thing to him. I hope I'll always carry this as a teacher even if I teach 3 classes in a day or many days in a week. Also I will try to remember it for other times when My mind is somewhere else when I am talking. He can say some outrageous things, but I find them pretty funny for the most part and he will tell you the truth, even though it may hurt. You know when someone gets a new haircut and it looks really bad, but when they ask you, you find a way not to hurt their feelings, well Bikram will not only tell you it looks bad, he will find some way to say it that will leave you no doubt and would definitely sting. One of the big movies we watched dealt with discrimination. Bikram is very big on no discrimination. He says he makes people hurt does not matter, old, young, rich, poor, religion, race, color, weight. He kills us all. And that is so true. A couple of other things before I go, every day during class I learn little nuggets of new information on how to make my postures more precise. It is hard to remember them and I'm sure everyone hears their own little nuggets, totally different than mine.I am trying to figure out how to organize my notes so they will be references in the future and not just this mass mess of scribbled words. I leave with this Yoga is very simple but so very difficult to perfect. It has 3 elements: Yoga is holding in stillness, breathing, normal and savasana. When one becomes successful in asana then pranayama is perfected. With pranayama the veil that hides becomes lifted and the mind becomes fit for meditation. Posture-stillness, breath, meditation. These are the keys to the yoga. Until next week. PS thanks for all your comments and support on facebook. I can't express how much they helped. It is immeasurable. 1

April 22, 2012

April 22, 2012 Week One THE SHORT VERSION: I am writing a short version for those of you somewhat interested in my training but not exactly into yoga or just don't want to read my lengthy account of my week from a more stream of thoughts no editing style. IEven the short version will be probably a little lengthy cause it lays out what life in the bubble is like. I suspect week to week it will be shorter. Strangely enough I have found the very most challenging part so far to be the actual physical yoga. For someone that has done a pretty full range of physically challenging stuff, like marathons, ironman, riding across Canada on my bike, backpacking for weeks on end in the mountains, it's funny that this is what I struggle with. We start the day awith a class at 8:00. I've been getting up around 5:00 to talk to Dan while he was at a different time zone and then go for a 40 minute run at 6:00. While I'm very used to and love the 90 minute intense yoga at 105 degrees, doing intense yoga for over 120 minutes in 120 degrees is a totally different experience. Doing this 2x a day while trying to figure out what and when to eat and hydrate (cause believe me you kind of don't feel like eating or even drinking much) as nothing tasted the same or settles in your stomach like usual. Just being water and dizzy during class is fine, but it is not fun to be nauseous. Even piled up once in my towel cause you know once you have to puke you can't very well get up and then maybe do it all over people. But it is fine. After morning class we get about an hour break to eat, shower and then we go to lecture for 3-4 hours. Well the first week "lecture" is listening to each one of us deliver as if we were teaching the first posture to Bikram himself. It takes about that long to go through. 50 people so it gets pretty boring after about the 3rd day. It is very good though, Bikram instructs us by how each delivers and the subtleties are very apparent. What makes it even more interesting is when his opinion of a studen'ts delivery is different than my first thoughts. Trying to figure out why. Anyway after the afternoon lecture we go back to another brutal class from 5:00-7:00 and then get a little over an hour for dinner before we go back for more lecture. Those can last anywhere from midnight (the more usual) to 2-4 in the morning. While they started us off with several of the really tough long and extra hot classes, toward the end of the week they eased off a little and we had a couple of the normal 90 minute 105 degree. Even most of those have been tough for me but I think it is cause I have not quite figured out my eating and drinking but this weekend I have made some adjustments in stuff am optimistic that the nausea will go away. As a no meat or fishers vegetarian (but one for only about a year) and a no red meat for much longer, I decided and have craved more protein so this weekend I stocked my refrigerator with meat and fish. Last thing, on the short version, speaking of food...we have a little refrigerator but since we are living out of a hotel room and no time, there is no cooked food during the week. I found myself craving anything with liquid like lettuce and fruit and anything protein. I don't eat bread but normally my diet is carb filled with rice, rice cakes and oatmeal. Uggh, did not want to even put them near my mouth. So that has been kind of fun figuring it all out. Oh one last thing, 400 people from all over the world, all ages, professions, life's stories. That has been the most fun, getting to know so many. THE LONG VERSION Wow, first of all, for everyone offering so many words of encouragement and thoughts towards Mark and I...thank you. I'm sure 'I'll be tapping into it as time goes on. I've learned so much about myself and about others and teaching to others in just one week I can't wait to see what else is in store. First of all, you know this yoga like most things physical has never been mentally hard for me, oh sure it has it's challenges to work hard and get better, just like racing always did and I don't mean to minimize that because it has it's hard moments you know when you feel like your guts are coming out and you can't hardly breathe in the last half mile of a race or climbing the last bit up a long steep mountain on your bike, but the everyday training was a joy, a gift, something I loved to do in running, cycling, and yoga. The little tough challenges any given day, well OK, it was always from a place of strength. So when I went to class this week, I got it...I totally related with everyone I see at the yoga room that have to take break, that talk about being nauseous, that sit against the wall in the locker room for 15 minutes, trying to get enough energy to go home. You are the real warriors. you know, I always knew that in my brain and with my intellect, but now to actually experience it makes it reality something I know, not just a thought construct. So already I feel I will be a better teacher because of it. I am sitting here thinking, how many things would be better to experience than just to kind of know it in your brain...kind of like prejudice...of course I know people of various groups experience this all the time and I know it in my head, but I also know I don't really know it from the reality of the experience, I wish I could. Anyway I digress. So being on the edge just about every class is totally different. Usually in class, the time flies by, I just zone out and work as hard as I can and flash, the class is over. Here, I'm in my head at least through all the standing postures, "how hard should I push early...oh starting to get light headed...should I take a half posture off etc etc" Other than one day when I was down from triangle through savasana I've managed to hang in, but not easily. I tried drinking during class and it does not work for me. I bring in my bottle and wet my lips at various times, but the water gets so hot that it just does not sit well. oh, to give you some idea as to how hot it is, I had to change the glasses I wear, cause the metal ones, would burn my arms when I touched them. Well enough about my physical challenges. Let me give you a sense of Bikram, well I can't really. First of all he is the most entertaining person to listen to, and you have to stay quite alert because amongst all his BS and outrageous diatribe is an incredible amount of wisdom. I'm telling you, I occasionally might stop and hear a comedian on comedy central like say Chris Rock, Eddy Murphy in the day, Tracie Morgan etc etc and Bikram could go Mano a Mano in style and outrageousness. I don't think I'll ever know how much of what he says and does is totally planned with a purpose or how much is innate or how much is just is madness, but let me offer a little something that really kind of freaked me out. People say that Bikram is a master at reading people and part of our trip up to do dialogue in front odd him is so he can know you and give you what you need, sometimes he would be ohhh so kind to the people struggling the most and sometimes a little mean to people that did really really well. So after the first day a little Japanese girl came up to talk to me cause Bikram had talked to me the most of all the 50 people that delivered our dialogue that day, about how perfect it was, and how I spoke it like a teacher communicating and we talked about Cape Cdod, that I ran a lot, that I was married with grandkids etc. the first day I thought oh oh I've been noticed but luckily after now going through 250 more people, not worried at all that I would be singled out ever. phrases. Relief. Anyway, she came up to me because she had just found out 2 days before she came that she was pregnant and asked me what she should do. Well I told her that people practice Bikram pregnant but this is pretty stressful and she should tell the nurse immediately and she would know. Anyway, she is going home, talked to Bikram and is very relieved. So I wanted to make sure I said goodbye and went to see her. I asked her if she had gotten a chance to do dialogue in front of Bikram and she reminded me which one she was and said do you remember Bikram told me I did like dialogue like a woman 9months pregnant. Now how freaky is that? This was way before she had told anyone. So it got me to thinking. Bikram spoke to me that first day for a reason. I will write my thoughts on that in my own personal journal cause I don't know if I am right...but all I can say is that as I sit here, I will try my hardest to fulfill the challenge he has presented for me. Now strangely enough the part I was mist worried about, being a social recluse and not making many friends has been exactly the opposite, how strange is that, the physical the most challenging and the social the easiest. I have met the most fabulous people and have developed bonds with so many. All ranges, There is this beautiful couple from Cambridge England. He is just finishing his phd in biotechnology-schizoprenia and she runs the MBA Program at Cambridge. He used to be a professional cyclist from Greece. To many Spanish, Japanese, students, young, old. Some trying to find meaning in their life's, others with good careers. And you can't tell from just meeting them. I'd say it is about 50/50 foreign to American, although many of the foreign now live in the US. It is also about 40-60 men women. Not sure exactly but certainly does not stand out as being all women like our classes. Just the diverse group of personalities is amazing. I've worked hard at trying to make connections with people that for whatever reason turn me off initially instead of just avoiding them and so far it has really worked and I end up liking them. Luckily, several of the people I had a connection with however slight before I came have already become so very very special to me that I am sure they will be my rocks when I falter. Connections which are inexplicable and clearly mutual. It is my greatest hope that these only get stronger during the 9 weeks and I don't do something to mess with them. Today is Sunday, the whole day with nothing to do, kind of feel like I already rested enough having all yesterday afternoon off. Will give me time to start figuring out my routine and working on dialogue dialogue. oh by the way, forgot to tell you about my first Bollywood movie. It was a ton better than I expected. There is something to be said for low expectations. Other than the fact it went 4 hours with such outrageous plot turns to keep it going just when you thought it was over, it was kind if fun and the actor and actress were both very beautiful and the dancing was quite fun. oh and I forgot to tell you the night about 12:30 after Bikram had been talking for about 3 hours he was going to let us go and then he had them play some Indian Disco song and danced for 5 minutes on the stage, like Bollywood disco dancing. What amazing energy for 65 years old, for any age really. He was quite good and incredibly charming when he wants to turn it on. Other times when he berates his staff you don't like him so much. But he also loves his staff and you can tell they love him so I guess they are used to it. The we listened to Perry Como and some song he recorded. He knows all the celebrities back from my era. I'm sure many of the people don't recognize the names but I recognize them all so it is quite fun. My back hurts from sitting here writing so long. For this of you that made it to the end, boy you have some stamina. It is fun chronicling my thoughts regardless if anyone reads it or not

April 16, 2012 First Class

April 16, 2012 This is the last evening off so I figured I'd go ahead and write since I just finished my first class. This morning we listened to Bikram talk for about an hour. He's quite dynamic and drips charisma. Have me tsome great people and have run into several of the same. I've been hanging out a bit with Shannon Mullin who now lives in California but used to practice in East Dennis. Tomorrow we get put in our groups for posture clinics so you spend most of your time with those people but Shannon and I have studied together really well and seem to connect so I hope we will have time to still study together. So enough about all that, let me tell you about the first class. Well, think of your first class and then multiply how kind of out of it and overwhelmed you felt and that pretty much sums it up. The class was over 2 hours. I did not go down at all (but an going to try and put that ego to rest) cause I saw spots multiple times and had to drop my arms and chin down several times at triangle and standing separate leg to recover. Floor poses were much better, and while it was that kind of plastic over the mouth and nose oppressive feeling on the floor, it was fine. They tell you to take it easy so I did try to back off to about 80% on the floor, and despite that, my legs were toast by toe stand. I was even better backing off on the floor poses but as I sit here my back is already sore, day one. So I've already backed my running attempt down to 30 minutes in the morning. I'll see how that goes. I love to run. It is apparent to me that my big challenge will be staying healthy cAuse drinking stuff is not quite what I like to do. I pretty much drink diet soda all day, Nd while I brought electrolyte tablets and some of the electrolyte tablets, I am not quite sure of what formula will work for me. I'd say about 50% of the class was down near the end of the standing. The girl next to me went down in the 3rd pose and finally came up at about the 24th, but many of the people must have jet lag as they have come from half way across the world. It is ver humbling needless to say. You all know how little I usually sweat, well I was sweating about 2 poses in. Then of course I made the mistake of piling out with everyone, 421 students lined up and not moving, that is when I was the most light headed and almost went down. I know better now, wait until the room clears. So just laying low having some dinner and resting before the full 20 hour day starts tomorrow. I'm sure all my fellow trainees are like thinking holy shit day one felt like this, how am I going to make it. And of course week 1 is easy. Well let me remember to check the ego. Plus Bikram only pays attention to thefirsr two or threes. rows and pretty close to him. We have to rotate up though, so I'll have to hug the sides. I was trying to remember some of the things he said. Some are unrepeatable in a blog forum. He is quite a chauvinist. Saying how many women can't get a tight grip, if they don' t learn to get a tight grip, man will divorce them, he wants wife that is a good cook what holds on tight. the only way to keep a man. So we women have to work on our grip. Well enough. early night tonight.

April 11, 2012

April 11, 2012   Last Thoughts


It's all happening so fast now, what seemed to be a glacial movement of time for so long now seems to be moving so quickly that i am trying to catch up with it. 


I am overwhelmed by all the support and well wishes i have received from all my friends at the studio. I can't believe how many people showed up at the send off party at the fabulous Camp Wingate-Kirkland and how many more expressed how they had conflicts but wished they could be there. Mark and I will have so much more power and energy to get us through the tough times than i'm sure many of the other trainees because of everyone. these last couple of days, it has been tough saying goodbye, i'm sure i'll be a total wreck on Friday but knowing how much you all will be there in spirit means a alot. i'm sure I'll be calling on you when Bikram is telling some story in the middle of standing separate leg forehead to knee...yeah...throat choked breathing normal for anything more than 20 seconds will probably mean passing out. But now as i sit here I'm thinking, OK so I breathe through my nose, so should it matter that my throat is choked, cause just choking your throat shouldn't affect your breathing all that much. See even writing my blog, i'm still trying to figure it all out. i'll have to test my hypothesis and figure this out. 


I'm as ready as I think i can be. I say that because i only know i'm going to be pushed way beyond my comfort zone, and for all of you that know me as a person that loves patterns, repetition, and a day that unfolds pretty much as expected there is no doubt i'm going to have to adjust to nothing being the same, day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute. But i've already surrendered to that in my head, it won't be easy at first but i'm sure with a little practice the first couple of weeks it will be easier.


You know i don't have any real goals for my practice. i'd love to avoid injury or body breakdown, but not sure that will even be possible. Even in my practice today, most days i totally zone out and just listen to the teacher and respond to every command to my maximum ability. Maybe its my family background where we marched to every order from my very strict father, or maybe it is my athletic background where I responded to the authoritative commands of my coaches; and a just a general fear/respect for authority figures...or maybe it is just an innate need to please authority figures. I always think of myself as a border collie...a working dog that seeks to please its master by working hard and responding to commands. I'm not the Labrador or similar breed that gets love from their master cause they are always so cute and charming. Nor am I those breeds (often little) that kind of do whatever pleases them and demand that their owners cater to them. But what i'm trying to say is that i can't turn that off, so if a teacher is holding me in postures barking out commands, I don't have any defensive mechanisms to say I don't want to go there, at least not usually, who knows when i go to teacher training. In someways i hope i don't cause that means i'm still able to zone out and so the time goes by very very fast. Those few times when i have a real bad class and i can't get out of my head ohhh the time is like 3 hours not 90 minutes.


Last thing, one thing i want to experience is some type of emotion in camel pose. How many times have i heard how people laugh, cry uncontrollably etc., call up all sorts of stuff. It's never happened to me. Maybe I'll get pushed to that place. kind of like seeing the spots, or fainting, its a cool thing to experience in its twisted sort of way.


Next post will be my first one from Bikram's torture chamber. 

April 4, 2012

April 4, 2012 
The Journey - Never getting to "The Destination" - Progress - Perfection


I should be working because I have so much to do before i leave, but as is typical of me, I hate to focus for long on any one thing if left to my own devices. That's one of the things I love about Bikram Yoga, I have to focus for 90 minutes cause I have no choice and I love it when my brain does not jump around. (Yes I am the master of the remote at my house and I usually have 3 or 4 programs i am watching at one time. It is almost like a strobe light I change so fast). So here i am writing in my blog, because going to TT consumes my thoughts. I'm either running over my dialogue, thinking of what i need to bring, thinking of what I want to be sure I get out of TT, or worrying about keeping my body healthy.


During my CD class yesterday, I had the yoga practitioners think about and honor how far their postures have come since starting the yoga. Sometimes I find, I am always thinking about how to get better; what adjustment can I make to wrap that foot around, or balance in toe stand, get my forehead on my knee, get my legs up a millimeter more on locust etc. and it is good to occasionally, (not too often) take a moment and reflect on how my postures have evolved over time. 


The trouble is, I have a terrible memory. I often comment that if it was not for photographs I don't think I'd be able to recall what I looked like or what my sisters looked like growing up. It must be something in our evolutionary make up that allows newer images to replace the older ones so we don't freak out in facing how much we age every 5 years. We had a retirement at my work the other day and they brought out old photographs. Funny how i don't feel any different than 20 years ago...I digress.


Well, while I don't have images of my postures, there are certainly certain markers of what i was able to do my first week of Bikram and what I can do now. So yesterday I honored that. 


Kind of like life, somehow we get roped into thinking when we are little that there is some sort of "perfection" out there. It has taken me a lot of years to realize that life is all about the journey, moving forward, experiencing new places, getting back on a smooth road after taking a wrong turn on a bumpy road...just making progress. 


That is my approach to the postures. I have no destination for my postures, it is a means to take my journey. Getting better in my postures is just getting better at life. You work hard, push yourself, sometimes push yourself too much, get frustrated, struggle, have bad days, have good days, but keep moving forward. Never perfect. 


I'm sure when I go to TT, there will be plenty of students that are looking foremost to improving their practice, but for me, any improvements will be a byproduct, my focus is to learn how to best communicate with students, to communicate through the postures, through knowing and improving their postures, let them experience the improvement in self and life. 


I remember Meg talking way back about teaching and while she is the only one talking there is a strong 2 way dialogue between student and teacher. How each one gives cues about their personalities by how they respond to anything and everything during the 90 minutes. I'm sure it takes a long time to be fluent in that language and as I know by all the great teachers I have, sometimes I think they are speaking just to me, pushing, nurturing, demanding, taking me out of my comfort zone, making me laugh etc. 


That's the type of teacher i want to be. One that speaks to you in our own secret Bikram language. 

March 27, 2012

Why I am going to teacher training. 


I've always loved to teach. When I went to college, i was torn between teaching and business and chose business, then when i was about to embark on the CPA track I threw it all away to follow may passion, run professionally and own a running store. Well let's just say that owning a retail store with no money and no experience was a disaster and almost killed me... literally. Got my MBA and became a commercial lender and then I saw an ad for a private school teacher, no teaching degree needed so I jumped at it. Loved it. I taught math and coached the best group of middle school kids. It was exhausting but invigorating. The trouble was I had to go to school to get my teaching degree at night while teaching and still trying to run professionally. Then an opportunity came up to follow my sister up to Cape Cod and be coached by one of the best marathon coaches at the time. Off I went and after a year of injuries i ended up in Banking and with a lot of luck ended up rising to CFO at the best bank on the Cape, so my teaching career never quite happened.


That being said, I've had several opportunities to lead and motivate groups in many different sports, cause i just like doing it. I'm always amazed at how tough people are and how hard they work with a little group energy and someone just to get the group together, lead them and offer a little advice occasionally. There is something within me that enjoys noticing and figuring out how people might be able to improve, through tweaks in technique, strategy, or lifestyle. most of them I keep to myself. Just notice it all the time. 


So my history always has led me down a path of someday somehow molding my passion for fitness with my passion to teach.


But Bikram...Well Bikram is so special to me. First of all, I don't like to do things that i'm not naturally good at. So yoga is a big challenge. A humbling but a rewarding experience to do something that I am not good at...stick with it and accept that i'll never be great at it. I'll just be me at it and a better me month by month. See, my philosophy in life has always been to focus on things I'm good at. 


It is a different experience to work hard at something you are gifted at. For me it was sports, particularly running. I was always gifted  from very little with great speed, an exceptional cardiovascular system, and a certain tenacity for hard work. But working hard at something where you are gifted at it is a little bit different. I worked really really hard but it is a different kind of work when the underlying thing comes easy to you. Sure running 140 miles a week year after year is not easy, but I loved to run. Running was easy, so working at running was easy. I can probably bet most of the people at the Yoga Championships are gifted at yoga so working hard is a little different for them. 


I digress... Bikram yoga speaks to me in the language I speak. It is hard. It is the same everyday so you can actually work on getting better. Of course I love things that are the same. It relies on focus, determination, acceptance, and breath.  But mostly Bikram Yoga makes me happy inside my head. It is all a metaphor for life for me. It is that, more than the fabulous way it makes my body feel that motivates me to want to teach and share the gift that Bikram has brought to me on to others. What i know about the yoga today, is that the metaphors for me will be different than the person next to me. We all need different things, some need more flexibility others strength ( and I don't mean just physically). Some need to push harder and not give up so easy, others need to try less and not judge themselves so hard. Some of us need to smile more so we get teachers that make us smile and laugh. Or we need to be pushed more or we need teachers to call us on our ego where we give up technique for pride. All these things I notice. And I notice what i think i know today is only a little piece of the knowledge yet to be opened to me. Kind of like how you hear the dialogue day after day and one day, the same words enlighten you to something new you never heard before. 


So I'm not that freaked about training, I'm more nervous about teaching because i want to be more than a good teacher I want to be a great teacher and I know that will take years and years. I'm not very patient. Don't we all want to be great right away. I have accepted not being great at the yoga and just letting it take me on a long journey. I need to try and do that with my teaching. Accept that I won't be great right away and just travel my teacher journey on a path wherever it leads  

March 20, 2012

March 20, 2012


Like most things, I'm a little hesitant to get started because once I start, I know my all or nothing mindset will take hold. I'm also not much of a writer. I was always one of those students that wrote dry boring papers but got a good grade because I wrote in the exact format as instructed. Very clinical...no heart. So my dilemma in starting this blog was to figure out how i was going to write it. Was I going to write it knowing that i would have a broad audience meaning a certain amount of mental censorship before it hit the page or was I going to write it as a stream  of consciousness, exposing all the frailties and vulnerabilities of my personal psyche. Well after a pre-class yoga room discussion; (kind of like a couch session) I decided that it would be best if I applied some screening to the voices of all my little demons that run around in my head. Certainly, i'll try to be a little more enjoyable than reading the manual to your car hope to even chronicle not only what the daily life of living in the bubble is like, but also how I am dealing with the stress of it all, the highs and lows etc. 


So just a little note on where I'm at with only 24 days until I head out to LA.  Wow, it is creeping up ever so quickly like a snowball rolling down hill. (Only i would make reference to a snowball when it is 70 degrees on Cape Cod on the first day of spring). I haven't really stressed out about the training, which is so unlike me when I going somewhere with little control. I know enough about teacher training to know it is going to be wicked hard with some extreme highs and lows. Since I can't predict what will cause the lows there is nothing i can do to try and mitigate them so I just have to accept whatever happens as it happens. It is so unlike me! I just have to keep my mantra handy..."don't let anybody steal your peace then you are the loser"


Stuff like food, and lack of sleep, totally depleting my body all niggle in the back of my mind as things that will break me down at some time during the training. I just am trying to accept that I will have moments of breakdown and it is about bouncing back, not trying to avoid. All these thoughts run through my head. 


Of course, i'm generally a non-social person until i get to know people and get totally overwhelmed by too much stimuli so being around 400 gregarious, social, friendly people with different personalities and communication styles will probably be my biggest challenge the first couple of weeks. 


I have made it up to spine twist on the dialogue and go back over and over and over the postures I already learned. Not anywhere near perfect but I'm pretty comfortable with having memorized it pretty close so i can work on delivery during posture clinics. 


Well my first post. The difficult thing about blogging is that I don't have time to go back and edit so what you see is what you get...bad spelling, grammar, and a runon of nothingness.